This Self-ie Thing is Going Too Far

I’ll admit that back in the day, I used to take pictures of myself with my SLR camera. Arms stretched out front, big smile….then wait until the film got developed to see how much of my big head got cut off and how much background was or was not included. Or, if I wanted to be fancy, I could set the timer and run in front of the camera and try to get settled before the shutter released.  Then wait until the film got developed to see whether I made it into the frame or was even in focus. It was called a “self-portrait” then, but I guess that was too long a word, and a process, to really catch on.

Fast forward to digital cameras and camera phones and the self-ie thing has become an artform of its own. Some people are pretty good at it and share interesting photos that their idoling public, or at least friends, want to see. But some? Some have taken the self-ie thing too far. And they need to stop.

“Getting my praise on” Self-ie. Are you going to praise God or walk the runway? I know, we all like to look good going to our houses of worship, I'm the first to plan my outfit around the hat I want to wear. But be content with the “you sure do look nice today” compliment from your fellow parishioners. Or at least just tag your picture as your “Sunday outfit,” don’t try to make it some religious calling.

Sweaty Self-ie. We know, you workout. We get it because we see your FitBit step count, runwithme mileage post, your recipe for fat-reducing water and all of the pictures of you before, during and after every sweat inducing movement. And really, you don't look cute. None of us really do in the midst of a good workout. Crossing the finish line at the Iron Man? Yup, we’ll “like” that. You running a mile and doing a set of push-ups at the gym? Not so much.

Traveling but No Scenery Self-ie. This is the picture of you standing there at some glorious wonderful place but we can't even see the glorious wonderful place because your big head is in the way.  You claim you are in Paris or Fiji or Egypt, but really you could be standing in your own backyard for all we can tell.

Stopped at a Red Light Self-ie. Why? Do you happen to catch a glimpse of yourself in the rearview mirror and think “dang! I look good! Let me capture this moment for my adoring fans.”  But this is not as bad as the not stopped at a red light, driving down the street self-ie. Please stop.

The Making Out Self-ie. You and your beau, or beau-for-the-minute, all over each other? Yeah, don’t need to nor want to see that. Get a room. Turn off the camera.  (Yeah, I know some folks actually get famous by not turning off the camera, but, is that what you're going for?)

Bathroom Mirror Self-ie. Why are folks still doing this? I didn't understand why long time ago, but now with cameras on either side of your phone, selfie-sticks (ugh!) and a friend or two - why are folks still taking pics with the toilet and their dirty laundry in the background?

Woke up Like This Self-ie.  You do know that Beyonce doesn’t actually wake up looking like that, right?  We don’t need the pic of you and your beau cuddled up under the sheets. Or you waking up, sleepily gazing into your phone. Unless your makeup girl and hairdresser tiptoe into your room before you open your eyes, just wait.  You can always take your self-ie in the car on the way to the gym.

I know there are plenty more annoying self-ies. Feel free to add to the list! 

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Getting The Perfect 1st Day of School Picture

If you’ve got kids, you’ve got to post the perfect first day of school picture on Facebook / Twitter/ Instagram/ Periscope.  You’re little sweety waving & smiling as they board the bus. Or blowing you a kiss thru the car window. Hanging up their backpack in the perfectly neat row of cubbies in their new classroom. And then a mom and kid pic – you smiling with your trying to look like you woke up like that make-up on, hair combed and a clean blouse and cute still-summer shorts.

As if the first day of school isn’t stressful enough!

Because this is probably the first day in almost two months that you’ve had to wake up your whole family before 8 am.  And if you are lucky enough to have high schoolers, you’ve had to get up at the break of dawn. Then you had to pack lunches, and realized that since you went to the grocery store last week, the kids ate all the snack bags of chips over the weekend and handed out the juice boxes to their friends at the pool.  And where are all those dang forms, especially the one that proves your kid got his measles shot this summer so they will let him in the school door?

You spent a mortgage payment on back-to-school clothes, but the little one refuses to wear the new outfit you picked out – the identical pink dress or red and blue striped shirt that they wear every year so that it looks so cute in the scrapbook on the “how they are growing” page. Instead, they want to wear their favorite summer movie t-shirts, so your daughter is wearing a Minion t-shirt and overalls with fake black glasses and your son is wearing a Straight Outta Compton t-shirt and jeans and won’t smile.

And they changed what time everyone goes to school this year, pushing it back 15 minutes – just enough to screw up your schedule, but not really enough time to get any sleep that makes a difference – and changed the bus routes, so you actually have to check the bus route schedule this year for the bus your kids have been riding for 6 years to figure out what time its coming.  But what mom worth her coffee puts her kids on the bus on the first day of school, so you’ve got to drive them to the door to prove to everyone that you aren't one of those free-range willy-nilly parents.

But before you load up the kids in the car, you’ve got to fix your hair and swipe on some lipstick and put on a real clothes. You cannot do the in-pajamas drop-off today because you know that other mom in your kid’s class is going to be there in an outfit that matches her kid’s, with a full face of make-up, unchipped manicure and hair fresh from the salon.  She’ll be there with that cute-sy sign she made stealing an idea from Pinterest, a chalkboard with cute-sy lettering announcing the first day of school and the new grade. (She also wrote a funny haiku for her kid’s lunchbox, you’ll hear about that from your little on after school.)

There's just enough time to pour coffee in your car mug, search for the top, get the kids to stand on the front steps and not poke each other.  Try to get a couple good shots of them smiling without making those goofy faces they usually do when you pull out a camera, but they never do when they are taking selfies.  Hurry to school and try to get towards the front of that nightmare of a drop-off circle. And before the teacher on drop-off duty blows her whistle at you, you snap a couple more pictures of the kids in front of the school before they see their friends and you get one last picture of the back of their heads as they run into the school.  Waving from the curb is the PTA President and if you make eye contact for too long, she’s going to ask you to chair the fall festival bake sale or to join the healthy food committee, so you wave, jump back in the car, and knock over your coffee onto your nice clean outfit.

Now to get home, flip through the morning pics, and find that one good picture of your lovely darlings and try to think of something new and catchy to say, but its been too hectic a morning for all that so you’ll just go with “first day of school – when did they get so big – tears” like everyone else.

Whew. Relax. Finish your coffee and clean up breakfast. In six hours, it’ll be time for the “home from the first day of school” picture.

Happy Back-to-School Day!

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