You Can Have It All - Take It by the Slice

The responsibilities of home and to family, our profession aspirations, community service, personal goals.  We are constantly trying to have it all and find a balance between all that we’re trying to do.

As moms, it’s as if we envision ourselves as some type of Lady Justice holding onto this scale balance with our professional pursuits on one side and our home on the other, not letting it tip too far in either direction. Put in 8 hours of work and we push ourselves to get in 8 hours of happy family time, and squeeze in eating, sleep, reading a book, and working out in the other 8.  This notion of balance also leads us to think that we can continually pile more on, as long as we keep it even.  A promotion at work? Better bake some more cookies for the school party?  New office in the PTA?  Put in an extra hour on the job so folks don’t think you’re slacking.  And what happens? The weights get heavier. And eventually, it’s all too much of a burden and we fall.

Perhaps, it’s not a balance we should use in this metaphor.  Perhaps instead, a pie is a better image. Pecan, if we want to get specific.

We can divide our life, our days, into slices – all the things we want to, need to, feel like we have to do.  Work, household chores, hanging out with the kids, volunteering, laying around reading, time to drink coffee in our garden, visiting friends, getting to the gym.  A slice for every little good thing we want to fit in.  Now, you know how to construct a pie, right? You’ve got an 8” pie pan, you can only get so many pecans in there.  Whenever I make a pie, I’m tempted to add just a bit more – just another ½ cup of pecans.  But that extra’s not going to make it better; instead it’s going to overflow into a syrupy, nutty mess all over the bottom of the oven.

Just like with our days – we can only get so much to fit. At some point, we’ve got to decide that the next project, another task, another “yes” is going to make us bubble over.  Instead of adding more ingredients, we have to adjust our slices.  If we want to spend more time hanging out with the family, where’s that time going to come from?  You might decide to take it from Chores and hire a housekeeper, if you are financially able to do that.  Perhaps you will seek more flexible work hours or work from home, gaining an hour or two in commuting.  Or maybe you want to put more hours in at the office or in your own business.  Perhaps its worth your personal goals to spend a little less time at home, let the kids hang out with Daddy or the grandparents – nothing wrong with that.  You may put in some slices that I would never think of and vice versa.

The size of my slices will surely look different than anyone else’s, and will be a different flavor than many.  But that’s alright.  Mine is for me, and your’s is for you.  You keep your fork over there and I’ll do the same.  There’s many options with the size of the slices, but one thing for sure - we’re not getting a bigger pie pan.  So let’s fill it ‘til its full – no more, no less – and enjoy the sweetness of life.

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Could the Dads Be Right?

For as long as I've been a stay-at-home mom - okay, well long before that since I didn't invent motherhood - there's been the stay-at-home vs. working mom debate.   Who was the better mom - the one who fully embraced her domesticity or climbed the corporate ladder? Should women hang up their college degrees or ignore the baby bottles? Clearly those mothers who gave up their jobs and career goals to run around the playground and volunteer with the PTA were a disappointment to all the women who fought and struggled for their equality in the corporate world. Or was it that the moms who pursued their career plans, establishing themselves as experts and commanding respect in their fields, with their own pocket change, were the ones who were doing a disservice to their children, left in the care of some strangers?

And then, to mix it up a little bit, there were the moms who confused the argument by taking their babies to work or taking their work home. Were they cheating, trying to unfairly have it all?

Let's throw into the ring those used-to-be stay-at-home moms who are looking for their old job back. Those who, in the terms of a recent New York Times magazine article, "opted out" and now want back in.  Of course, the three women in the article represent the whole of stay-at-home moms going back to work, right? Divorced or with an unsupportive husband regretting that they left their great jobs in the first place as they try to get back into their cubicles.  They woke up and realized that having to ask hubby for funds to go buy that new pair of shoes wasn't fun anymore. What about the moms who stayed home, had a great time, and don't ever want to go back to work?  The message from these moms is that it's just a matter of time before they'll be begging for their old 9-to-5.

Not to be left out, the single-by-choice moms are putting in their 2 cents.  Now had the other moms skipped the whole marriage and husband bit and kept their jobs all along, they would be happy and at peace right now, with their perfect, non-crying babies and all the freedom to do whatever they wanted with their kid. Formula or breastfeeding, cloth diapers or disposable, organic or totally processed food? They don't have to ask anybody else nothing.

This doesn't even account for all the other mommas out there - you can fill in the blank and all the missing categories.  It's a big momma brawl.

But it doesn't really have to be this way, does it?  We don't see the dads fussing over staying at home or working, opting in or out, getting married or staying single.  Yes, they do make these same choices, but it doesn't seem to be at the level of public discussion as for the moms.  Maybe the guys don't care? Maybe they just do whatever they (and their wife/partner/spouse/baby momma) feel is the right move for them and go with it, not really giving much care to what all the other dads are doing and not feeling the need to tell the other dads that they're doing it wrong.

Hmmm... do the men actually have something right, this time?

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Now That You're a SAHM

Perhaps you were reading "Lean In" and decided you were too tired of leaning.  Or you saw the Yahoo! CEO with her in-office nursery and realized you'd rather dump the office. Or some mom at PTA with her fresh-baked cookies made it all look so easy.   Somewhere, somehow, someone convinced you to give up your tailored skirt, heels, and comfy office chair for yoga pants, school volunteering and laundry.  Welcome to the loose band of caffeinated moms known by the misnomer, stay-at-home moms.

Pour yourself a drink (coffee, Pepsi, margarita, whatever works) and take note of a few tips to prepare you to make this wonderful transition.  (And yes, I know this post is long and it will take you a week to read it, but hey, this new gig ain't easy.)

At some point, perhaps within the first year, perhaps within the first week of being home,  you will think/scream/ponder, “I went to college for this?”  You may feel that you are losing brain cells. Your days that once were filled solving the important problems of the world, will now be filled with important micro-cosmic questions such as “does “bag-lunch” mean it has to be in a paperbag so its disposable or just a lunch from home that they are going to eat in the classroom?” and “should I do the laundry, start dinner, or sit here and eat bon-bons?”  (Note – you will rarely choose the bon-bons, but when you do, enjoy them, guilt-free.) When this happens, pick up something intellectual - a professional journal, a copy of The Economist from the magazine rack, or a barely read Toni Morrison novel to fire up a few brain cells.  Then go back to figuring out lunch.

Be prepared for that first – and second and 100th – time when you respond to the “so what do you do?” question and have to remind yourself that you no longer have a professional title.  In response, refrain from saying “I’m just a mom.”  Proudly tell the questioner you have left your professional career and are now busy raising your children.  Smile when they say “wow, that’s a hard job.”  There's also the partner phrase, "I couldn't do that."  Depending on who says it, you'll know whether it's a compliment or not; respond appropriately.

Also be prepared for the first – and second and 100th – time you get the question “so, how long are you doing that for? When are you going back to work?”  There’s also the other variations you may encounter: what do you do all day, but don’t you have a college/Master’s/law/doctorate degree, what does your husband think about that?  Your own life plans will dictate your answer, but do stop yourself from laying out those life plans, unless the person is an essential part of your life (I.e. someone who has some kind of financial responsibility to or dependency on you, or someone you really really like).  Otherwise, "right  now, I'm enjoying raising my children" is a sufficient answer.

Practice not rolling your eyes at your husband. This may happen when he comes home and complains about how hard it was giving a presentation to his client or when he calls from his business trip and tells you about the fabulous steak and lobster dinner he just ate. While he's talking, you will be washing dishes, checking homework, and eating a leftover peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Hey, that's his burden in life, this is your's.  (Yeah, we know your's is harder, but humor him.)

Pace yourself. To fill your once busy days, you may be tempted to sign up for every committee of the PTA, volunteer to be the perpetual carpool driver and team manager for every sport your kid plays. Slow your roll.  Give yourself a month or two or twelve to figure out your new rhythm, then, add to it if you so choose.

Make some friends. You probably have some friends already. But on Monday morning you will come to a stark realization - those were working friends. They are not around to get a cup of coffee after the yellow school bus pulls off and your happy hour is now filled with homework.  If your kids are young, you might find some likable moms at a mommy-and-me playgroup.  Perhaps you'll make connections with other moms on the sports team or volunteering at school. As with any friends, make connections with moms you actually like, not one's that just happen to have a kid the same age as yours.

Get yourself a new wardrobe. Push the suits and stilettos, the leather briefcase and the nice anything else you've got to the back of the closet.  You'll need comfortable - but cute - mom clothes.  Go back, did you read the "but cute" part?  Whether your budget is Target or Neiman Marcus, there's no need to live in baggy sweatpants or up-to-your bra mom jeans.  Do your part to make stay-at-home moms look good.

Take time for yourself.  Moms feel like they are always on mom-duty.  But when you were a working mom, you had a distinct period when you switched to professional-person mode and mom-hood took a slight step back.  As a stay-at-home mom, there is no time clock to put you in another mode, you are always around and may feel that in this role, you should always be available. Kids (and husbands) don't need frazzled, burnt-out, resentful moms.  Take a break.

At some point, your kid will hand you the field trip chaperone form and tell you that you have to go because you are the only parent around. Or they will ask you if their friend can come over during the 2-hour snow delay because everyone else's mom has to get to work.  The morning will come when your kid will wake with a slight fever and you will lay him back in the bed to rest without panicking over change in child-care plans.  The moment will come when you smile to yourself and affirm that you've made the right decision. I hope that moment comes everyday.

Welcome to stay-at-home-mom-ness.  Linger over that cup of coffee and keep Just Piddlin' with me.

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"Lean In" Isn't Such a Bad Message

Lately, two of the top tech-y women in our country have been in the news.  The Yahoo! CEO and new mother, Marissa Mayer, shook up her employees' routine by disbanding the work-at-home / telecommuting model and, at the same time, building a nursery in her office.  Telecommuters and moms, alike, were all in a tizzy.  (You may recall this previous post, I wasn't too crazy about her 2-week maternity leave, but it wasn't really any of my business.)  Her Silicon Valley neighbor, Sheryl Sandburg, the COO at FaceBook, has a new book telling women to "Lean In" and apparently, because she's a bazillionaire and Harvard grad, detractors suggest that we should disregard her message.

Instead, learn from her.

I watched Sandburg's interview on 60 Minutes on Sunday and it was interesting to see the interviewer try to poke holes in Sandburg's advice.  Yes, there remains gender and racial bias in the workplace (you can google the data on women and minority CEOs and corporate executives, if you really need proof.)  Yes, a Harvard grad woman has a few more advantages then someone who went to a non-ivy clad school, or, especially, someone who didn't go at all.  Yes, you do have a few more resources when your husband is also a techy-CEO.  And, you could even argue that as a White woman, she has at least one step up over African-American or other minority women.  Okay, so let's put all that aside.  Consider some of the points of her message.

(These are not direct quotes, but from my notes and memory of her interview.  And no, I have not read the book yet, but it is one of the few non-fictions that I'm putting on my list.)

Women give their family and children consideration in planning their careers - this can hold them back from the higher levels of the corporate world.  Consciously or not, I do believe this is true.  There are few women that I personally know who have not given some thought to the hours, the intensity of the work, the travel involved in taking a particular job in relation to whether they can pick their kids up from the bus stop, make it to PTA meetings, and have dinner on the table.  As women, we often debate on what type of career we will have, if one at all, depending on the type of home lifestyle we desire.  I'm sure many of your mom friends, and possibly you yourself, have faced similar decisions.  There's no judgement there, it's just the way women who are mothers, or wish to be, often think.  And by placing these "limitations", for lack of a better, less charged word, does keep women from the highest rung that they may otherwise reach.

Women don't negotiate for what they're worth.  In her interview, Sandburg admitted that she was going to take the first offer given to her by FaceBook.  It was her husband and brother who convinced her she should negotiate for something higher, for the salary they would pay a man.  Whether making millions or minimum wage, do we, as women negotiate for our true value?  Speaking for myself, I'm a terrible negotiator, even my kids can outbid me.  I will fold in a negotiation because I am nervous about walking away from a good deal, not ready to risk it for maybe something better.  And I don't want to hurt the other person's feelings.  Are most women like that?

Women attribute their successes to luck and help from others, rather than their own skills.  I'm interpreting this as we don't accept the credit for our own merits.  Whether its having well-behaved children or being the smartest in the class or the best employee at work, how often do we shake off compliments and suggest that there was something else that contributed to our job well done.  When was the last time you claimed, "yes, I did it because I'm the best at what I do" rather than "my team/coworkers/nanny/stylist/husband did most of it."  I don't suggest, and I don't think Sandburg does either, to be downright arrogant, but, as I tell my own kids, take some pride in your work.  Yeah, I know what they call women who are too boastful, but whatever.  Men don't care about that either.

Lean in.  Sandburg says by this she means "be ambitious."  Who's arguing with that message?  Yes, some women are ambitious already, so I'm assuming they wouldn't take offense to that.  Is it the unambitious ones who are upset?  Oh, maybe because we are reading it as "...and then you too can be a  COO and a bazillionaire."  I don't know if that's what she meant, but that's not the way I'm taking it.  Let's just think about putting our all into whatever it is we're doing, whether its being a tech-mogul, a partner in a law firm, or a super-cool mom.  Let's tell our girls that - lean in.  Be the smartest in the class, the highest scorer on the team, the class President.

We're willing to ignore and tear apart Sandburg's message because she's rich and smart and, yes, lucky as heck.  The interviewer on 60 Minutes asked if we should listen to her because she's a rich executive. I laughed and said to the TV, "uhh, yeah, she obviously knows what she's doing."  But also, because I like to look at people's successes (bazillionaires or really together moms) and figure out how they can help me be a better me.

And the mommy wars continue...

In the past week, I've had 2 totally different comments in regards to my role as a mother.  Specifically, a stay-at-home mother of 4.  Both made assumptions about my time availability, ability to handle a busy household, and ability to multi-task. Neither were fairly accurate.

One assessment was that being involved in my children's lives precluded me from other activities.  I had been assigned to an organizational committee for a fundraising event.  The chairperson questioned whether I would be able to commit the time necessary to the task given my children's schedule.  Now, I'll admit, this is a fair question and I can appreciate the concern - whether it be for me or for the committee.  But, truly, she had already made the conclusion that I couldn't before she even asked, and that’s what bothered me.

On the other side, I was speaking to an acquaintance who also has children, but her conclusion was that I had it relatively easy.  As we chatted about the challenges of raising a family - helping with homework, fitting in exercise, and getting kids to their activities, etc. - she said, "but you stay at home, don't you?"  The implication being that my day surely couldn't be as hard as hers, since she has a job outside of the home.  My response to her was, "yes, I do.  And where do you stay?" ignoring her implied comment, as if her question was about my residence rather than my work status.

I found it ironic that in both situations, these women made conclusions about my time, my level of stress, and my busy-ness based on my role as a mother.  Neither sees me day-by-day, neither has conversations with me on a regular basis to know what my day is really like, I'm not even sure we are FaceBook friends. One has concluded that I surely can't handle anything more than being a mother, or perhaps, she thinks I shouldn't - not the first time I've gotten that interpretation of what I should be doing with my life.  The other imagines my days as relaxing hours of eating Bon Bons then working out at the gym with my personal trainer (you know, the one I don’t have), surely nothing as stressful as hers (despite the fact that I have twice as many children), which would explain why I have time to help my kids with their homework and am a smaller size than her.  Let’s not go there. 

Now that I’ve ranted a bit, let me answer a few questions to make my point. 

• Yes, I am a mother of 4. 
• No, I do not work outside of the home. 
• Yes, I am busy, my kids are active, my husband works and travels.
• No, I don’t have free hours all day.
• Yes, I do watch my favorite TV dramas, mostly late at night after everyone’s gone to bed.
• No, I probably get less hours of sleep than most folks.
• Yes, I can, usually, manage all my tasks, perhaps not in the way that you would expect, but I do.
• No, I don’t like when people make conclusions about me based on my motherhood.
• Yes, I do wish I had more time to sit and eat sweets, but I prefer truffles and M&Ms.

A secret about motherhood...

Okay, I'll say it. Since it seems that no-one else wants to admit it and it seems career suicide to even hint at it. The secret, it appears, would upset the feminist, we can have it all agenda. So here it is.

Motherhood is tiring. And new motherhood is exhausting.

My youngest is 7 and I've still not fully recovered from the physical and emotional trauma of pregnancy, birth, and a new baby and motherhood. And she's my 4th child. I'm not really sure how or if I was a fully functioning person after the birth of my first.

There's the obvious part: the 9-month ordeal of pregnancy, the related physiological changes, the hormonal roller coaster, and the birth of a whole new person. Sure there's the sleepless nights, which, really, if that's all there was, anyone could deal with that. But there's also the mental part. Trying to focus on anything that doesn't involve warming a bottle or wrapping a little baby booty in a diaper, putting together a coherent sentence, even keeping up with what day it is. I don't even think I was fit to leave my house with my first child for a good month. This new person also demands more of your brain cells, developing in you a sense of vulnerability, about everything. There's no world situation, weather forecast, or news-worthy danger that you don't wonder, "how will that affect my baby?" And that doesn't go away. As infants, I checked on my children whenever they were sleeping, day or night, just to make sure they were breathing or that a blanket wasn't covering their head or that they hadn't just dissolved into thin air.  Right, moms? You check for choking hazards in the formula and do background checks on the high school student coming over to babysit. Your brain can no longer singularly focus, whatever you are doing, wherever you are, there's a few cells wondering "is my child safe?"

It's all part of being a mother, taking on the role of "Mommy".

You will be forever changed, hopefully for the good. Because mommy-hood is a wonderful thing, it's a good place to be. And new mommy-hood is a spectacular place, even if it's because you only get to be there for a short, finger-snap, eye-blinking, gone before you can get all the banana stains out of your clothes, moment of time. Some cultures celebrate this time of human development, revere it, allowing mom to rest and baby to bond. Giving them time to get to know each other's smells ad sounds and signals. Acknowledging that it takes a moment to recover from birthing a person, that there is some physical restoration required.

But somehow, we seem to be evolving to the point where "she who jumps out the bed first, wins", as if, the shorter maternity leave, the better woman you are.

The new Yahoo! CEO is starting her job at 6 months pregnant and plans to only take a few weeks off for maternity leave, during which time, she will continue to work. And somehow this is a wonderful step forward for women everywhere? "Drop your baby and rush on back to work?"

(Now, let me clarify - this is not a judgement on this woman. When/if/how she takes maternity leave and balances her career and her family is between her, her Mr., and Yahoo!)

What I find interesting, however, is the general public reaction that her shortened - but working "leave" is a good example for women who want to have it "all". People seem excited that the CEO will barely pause to birth her baby, getting quickly back to making sure our Groups messages and emails make their way across cyberspace without a glitch. I don't quite understand why this is a step forward for women - working, college students, stay-at-home - whatever.  It seemed just a few years ago we were cheering mandatory maternity leave and family leave. Now, the pendulum is swinging in the other direction - less days is better. Where are we headed - when will companies build delivery rooms down by the mailroom? Moms can drop their babies and be back at their desk in time for her next meeting, dragging her IV behind her.

Why do we, as a society, put this kind of pressure on women? And why do we, as women, put that kind of pressure on ourselves? When will it be safe to say, "I want my career, but first, can I just take some time to get to know this new little person?"

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