Currently...Back in School

I'm back in Spanish class. For the third time today, I'm catching a few words as a test to what I recall from high school classes so many years ago.  I had PE this morning.  No math, no English, no Science. I go to lunch next. Why are my kids complaining that school is so hard?

Its class visit day. On Columbus Day each year, our school system has county-wide open house when parents are welcome to come sit in on their kids' classes. (I think because we have a significant number of parents who are government employees so they have the day off, but schools are open.) Its a good option to actually see what the teachers said would happen when they did their presentation at back-to-school night. But for me, I have so imperfectly timed my visits so that I've gone from my youngest's PE class, went to my sons and daughter's school, where they were both in Spanish, left there for the high school where my oldest was in Spanish and then making up a quiz.

And somehow -I have forgotten my knitting. I thought to bring it this morning, then though "nah, when would I knit?"

I'll next go through round 2 -back for a parent meeting at the middle school, coaching Girls on the Run at elementary, and post-sports pick up at the high school.

And folks ask stay-at-home moms what do we do all day. For one thing, its not staying at home.

Getting Back into the School Routine (for Moms)

It's going to take a couple days to get back into the school routine.  Waking up, getting out the door - with lunch and homework. Doing homework.

Yesterday was the first day of school and we did well getting going in the morning. But the first day usually is a good one - the excitement of the new year, the new outfit, seeing friends again. Even getting up early is kinda easy for one day.  But, getting through that day and having to do it all over again the next day? How exhausting.  Even for the kids.

Back-to-school is a mom adjustment, too. At least it is for me. After months of only having to get two kids to the pool in the morning and one kid to basketball in the afternoon, each for a couple hours, and then a relatively open (lazy) schedule after that, the school year routine takes getting used to again.  Now, I have to return to - or reinvent - a productive day schedule.  While the kids are gone and the house is relatively empty (just me and the dog, sometimes my work-at-home husband), I like to get some writing done in the quiet.  But I also need to do my housekeeping, get some groceries, follow up on my sorority and PTA tasks, and - oh, yeah - that dinner before 7:30 p.m. thing. And back to an exercise routine (read about our vacation ice cream tour on to understand why.)

I estimate it will take me this week to get myself settled.  Catch up on laundry. Restock the pantry and fridge with lunch stuff.  Dust off the crock-pot. Clean the house without people in it.  Then next week, I'll be ready to get back into a productive routine.

How do you readjust to the school year?

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Currently...Counting Down 'Til Summer

Only 4 more days of rustling folks awake early in the morning, trying to get lunches packed, cajoling folks to drink a glass of milk before running out the door, rushing people out of the door, and then breathing a deep sigh once they've all made it to the big yellow school bus and finishing my half-cold cup of coffee.  Then wait 6 hours to begin the afternoon routine.

Not to say things get drastically calmer in the summer. No, the routine just changes.  Rustle up a couple swimmers, remind everyone to get some math exercises and reading done, cajole folks away from their little teeny screens to enjoy the big yellow sun outside, cheer at summer league basketball games, eat ice cream and Rita's. Repeat the next day.

The "deadline" of the last day of school is finally looming over me and I figure I need to spend the next few days preparing for summer.  Maybe these are some of the things you need to get done, too.

Write Thank You notes to my children's teachers. I have to deal with four of them each day; I empathize with the teachers who spend their days with my 4 and 29 others. A note is the least I could do; especially since I haven't figured out yet if sending teachers a bottle of wine is appropriate.

Re-set-up my home office space. My computer crashed, my schedule has been crazy hectic, etc. etc. and my work-at-home-space is not as organized as it should be. I need to take a day and put everything back where it belongs, wrap up a couple projects, and prepare my retreat for when the kids are here all day long.  If you work at home, in a professional sense or as mom-in-chief, it's helpful to have a clear, designated workspace to stay organized. It might be a corner desk in the living room, a rolling file cart in the dining room, or a separate room altogether - find somewhere that works for you.

Get the pool passes.  What's summer without the pool passes?

Buy a stack of math workbooks and clear our library fines.  Math skills are the set that seems to slip in the summer, at least in my house. Right now, the girls can graph multi-variable equations, without a little math maintenance over the summer, they'll barely remember how to turn on their calculator. So for them, I like to have workbooks at the next level (the one they are going into) so they can get a look ahead. And now that my son is going into middle school, we'll start on a little bit of pre-Algebra over the summer. Especially since with this new Common Core, I'm not exactly sure what he knows.  For my youngest, we'll keep up with the Kumon workbooks and drill those basic facts - gotta know your times tables!  If you can't find any to purchase, ask your school teachers for handouts or website references.

Enjoy the last few days of an empty house and finishing my cold coffee in relative quiet.  We all love our kids, no doubt, but gotta admit, there is a balancing calmness to have a few hours of not refereeing, feeding, and chaffeuring.


What's on your last days of school to-do list?

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Could the Dads Be Right?

For as long as I've been a stay-at-home mom - okay, well long before that since I didn't invent motherhood - there's been the stay-at-home vs. working mom debate.   Who was the better mom - the one who fully embraced her domesticity or climbed the corporate ladder? Should women hang up their college degrees or ignore the baby bottles? Clearly those mothers who gave up their jobs and career goals to run around the playground and volunteer with the PTA were a disappointment to all the women who fought and struggled for their equality in the corporate world. Or was it that the moms who pursued their career plans, establishing themselves as experts and commanding respect in their fields, with their own pocket change, were the ones who were doing a disservice to their children, left in the care of some strangers?

And then, to mix it up a little bit, there were the moms who confused the argument by taking their babies to work or taking their work home. Were they cheating, trying to unfairly have it all?

Let's throw into the ring those used-to-be stay-at-home moms who are looking for their old job back. Those who, in the terms of a recent New York Times magazine article, "opted out" and now want back in.  Of course, the three women in the article represent the whole of stay-at-home moms going back to work, right? Divorced or with an unsupportive husband regretting that they left their great jobs in the first place as they try to get back into their cubicles.  They woke up and realized that having to ask hubby for funds to go buy that new pair of shoes wasn't fun anymore. What about the moms who stayed home, had a great time, and don't ever want to go back to work?  The message from these moms is that it's just a matter of time before they'll be begging for their old 9-to-5.

Not to be left out, the single-by-choice moms are putting in their 2 cents.  Now had the other moms skipped the whole marriage and husband bit and kept their jobs all along, they would be happy and at peace right now, with their perfect, non-crying babies and all the freedom to do whatever they wanted with their kid. Formula or breastfeeding, cloth diapers or disposable, organic or totally processed food? They don't have to ask anybody else nothing.

This doesn't even account for all the other mommas out there - you can fill in the blank and all the missing categories.  It's a big momma brawl.

But it doesn't really have to be this way, does it?  We don't see the dads fussing over staying at home or working, opting in or out, getting married or staying single.  Yes, they do make these same choices, but it doesn't seem to be at the level of public discussion as for the moms.  Maybe the guys don't care? Maybe they just do whatever they (and their wife/partner/spouse/baby momma) feel is the right move for them and go with it, not really giving much care to what all the other dads are doing and not feeling the need to tell the other dads that they're doing it wrong.

Hmmm... do the men actually have something right, this time?

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Now That You're a SAHM

Perhaps you were reading "Lean In" and decided you were too tired of leaning.  Or you saw the Yahoo! CEO with her in-office nursery and realized you'd rather dump the office. Or some mom at PTA with her fresh-baked cookies made it all look so easy.   Somewhere, somehow, someone convinced you to give up your tailored skirt, heels, and comfy office chair for yoga pants, school volunteering and laundry.  Welcome to the loose band of caffeinated moms known by the misnomer, stay-at-home moms.

Pour yourself a drink (coffee, Pepsi, margarita, whatever works) and take note of a few tips to prepare you to make this wonderful transition.  (And yes, I know this post is long and it will take you a week to read it, but hey, this new gig ain't easy.)

At some point, perhaps within the first year, perhaps within the first week of being home,  you will think/scream/ponder, “I went to college for this?”  You may feel that you are losing brain cells. Your days that once were filled solving the important problems of the world, will now be filled with important micro-cosmic questions such as “does “bag-lunch” mean it has to be in a paperbag so its disposable or just a lunch from home that they are going to eat in the classroom?” and “should I do the laundry, start dinner, or sit here and eat bon-bons?”  (Note – you will rarely choose the bon-bons, but when you do, enjoy them, guilt-free.) When this happens, pick up something intellectual - a professional journal, a copy of The Economist from the magazine rack, or a barely read Toni Morrison novel to fire up a few brain cells.  Then go back to figuring out lunch.

Be prepared for that first – and second and 100th – time when you respond to the “so what do you do?” question and have to remind yourself that you no longer have a professional title.  In response, refrain from saying “I’m just a mom.”  Proudly tell the questioner you have left your professional career and are now busy raising your children.  Smile when they say “wow, that’s a hard job.”  There's also the partner phrase, "I couldn't do that."  Depending on who says it, you'll know whether it's a compliment or not; respond appropriately.

Also be prepared for the first – and second and 100th – time you get the question “so, how long are you doing that for? When are you going back to work?”  There’s also the other variations you may encounter: what do you do all day, but don’t you have a college/Master’s/law/doctorate degree, what does your husband think about that?  Your own life plans will dictate your answer, but do stop yourself from laying out those life plans, unless the person is an essential part of your life (I.e. someone who has some kind of financial responsibility to or dependency on you, or someone you really really like).  Otherwise, "right  now, I'm enjoying raising my children" is a sufficient answer.

Practice not rolling your eyes at your husband. This may happen when he comes home and complains about how hard it was giving a presentation to his client or when he calls from his business trip and tells you about the fabulous steak and lobster dinner he just ate. While he's talking, you will be washing dishes, checking homework, and eating a leftover peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Hey, that's his burden in life, this is your's.  (Yeah, we know your's is harder, but humor him.)

Pace yourself. To fill your once busy days, you may be tempted to sign up for every committee of the PTA, volunteer to be the perpetual carpool driver and team manager for every sport your kid plays. Slow your roll.  Give yourself a month or two or twelve to figure out your new rhythm, then, add to it if you so choose.

Make some friends. You probably have some friends already. But on Monday morning you will come to a stark realization - those were working friends. They are not around to get a cup of coffee after the yellow school bus pulls off and your happy hour is now filled with homework.  If your kids are young, you might find some likable moms at a mommy-and-me playgroup.  Perhaps you'll make connections with other moms on the sports team or volunteering at school. As with any friends, make connections with moms you actually like, not one's that just happen to have a kid the same age as yours.

Get yourself a new wardrobe. Push the suits and stilettos, the leather briefcase and the nice anything else you've got to the back of the closet.  You'll need comfortable - but cute - mom clothes.  Go back, did you read the "but cute" part?  Whether your budget is Target or Neiman Marcus, there's no need to live in baggy sweatpants or up-to-your bra mom jeans.  Do your part to make stay-at-home moms look good.

Take time for yourself.  Moms feel like they are always on mom-duty.  But when you were a working mom, you had a distinct period when you switched to professional-person mode and mom-hood took a slight step back.  As a stay-at-home mom, there is no time clock to put you in another mode, you are always around and may feel that in this role, you should always be available. Kids (and husbands) don't need frazzled, burnt-out, resentful moms.  Take a break.

At some point, your kid will hand you the field trip chaperone form and tell you that you have to go because you are the only parent around. Or they will ask you if their friend can come over during the 2-hour snow delay because everyone else's mom has to get to work.  The morning will come when your kid will wake with a slight fever and you will lay him back in the bed to rest without panicking over change in child-care plans.  The moment will come when you smile to yourself and affirm that you've made the right decision. I hope that moment comes everyday.

Welcome to stay-at-home-mom-ness.  Linger over that cup of coffee and keep Just Piddlin' with me.

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"Lean In" Isn't Such a Bad Message

Lately, two of the top tech-y women in our country have been in the news.  The Yahoo! CEO and new mother, Marissa Mayer, shook up her employees' routine by disbanding the work-at-home / telecommuting model and, at the same time, building a nursery in her office.  Telecommuters and moms, alike, were all in a tizzy.  (You may recall this previous post, I wasn't too crazy about her 2-week maternity leave, but it wasn't really any of my business.)  Her Silicon Valley neighbor, Sheryl Sandburg, the COO at FaceBook, has a new book telling women to "Lean In" and apparently, because she's a bazillionaire and Harvard grad, detractors suggest that we should disregard her message.

Instead, learn from her.

I watched Sandburg's interview on 60 Minutes on Sunday and it was interesting to see the interviewer try to poke holes in Sandburg's advice.  Yes, there remains gender and racial bias in the workplace (you can google the data on women and minority CEOs and corporate executives, if you really need proof.)  Yes, a Harvard grad woman has a few more advantages then someone who went to a non-ivy clad school, or, especially, someone who didn't go at all.  Yes, you do have a few more resources when your husband is also a techy-CEO.  And, you could even argue that as a White woman, she has at least one step up over African-American or other minority women.  Okay, so let's put all that aside.  Consider some of the points of her message.

(These are not direct quotes, but from my notes and memory of her interview.  And no, I have not read the book yet, but it is one of the few non-fictions that I'm putting on my list.)

Women give their family and children consideration in planning their careers - this can hold them back from the higher levels of the corporate world.  Consciously or not, I do believe this is true.  There are few women that I personally know who have not given some thought to the hours, the intensity of the work, the travel involved in taking a particular job in relation to whether they can pick their kids up from the bus stop, make it to PTA meetings, and have dinner on the table.  As women, we often debate on what type of career we will have, if one at all, depending on the type of home lifestyle we desire.  I'm sure many of your mom friends, and possibly you yourself, have faced similar decisions.  There's no judgement there, it's just the way women who are mothers, or wish to be, often think.  And by placing these "limitations", for lack of a better, less charged word, does keep women from the highest rung that they may otherwise reach.

Women don't negotiate for what they're worth.  In her interview, Sandburg admitted that she was going to take the first offer given to her by FaceBook.  It was her husband and brother who convinced her she should negotiate for something higher, for the salary they would pay a man.  Whether making millions or minimum wage, do we, as women negotiate for our true value?  Speaking for myself, I'm a terrible negotiator, even my kids can outbid me.  I will fold in a negotiation because I am nervous about walking away from a good deal, not ready to risk it for maybe something better.  And I don't want to hurt the other person's feelings.  Are most women like that?

Women attribute their successes to luck and help from others, rather than their own skills.  I'm interpreting this as we don't accept the credit for our own merits.  Whether its having well-behaved children or being the smartest in the class or the best employee at work, how often do we shake off compliments and suggest that there was something else that contributed to our job well done.  When was the last time you claimed, "yes, I did it because I'm the best at what I do" rather than "my team/coworkers/nanny/stylist/husband did most of it."  I don't suggest, and I don't think Sandburg does either, to be downright arrogant, but, as I tell my own kids, take some pride in your work.  Yeah, I know what they call women who are too boastful, but whatever.  Men don't care about that either.

Lean in.  Sandburg says by this she means "be ambitious."  Who's arguing with that message?  Yes, some women are ambitious already, so I'm assuming they wouldn't take offense to that.  Is it the unambitious ones who are upset?  Oh, maybe because we are reading it as "...and then you too can be a  COO and a bazillionaire."  I don't know if that's what she meant, but that's not the way I'm taking it.  Let's just think about putting our all into whatever it is we're doing, whether its being a tech-mogul, a partner in a law firm, or a super-cool mom.  Let's tell our girls that - lean in.  Be the smartest in the class, the highest scorer on the team, the class President.

We're willing to ignore and tear apart Sandburg's message because she's rich and smart and, yes, lucky as heck.  The interviewer on 60 Minutes asked if we should listen to her because she's a rich executive. I laughed and said to the TV, "uhh, yeah, she obviously knows what she's doing."  But also, because I like to look at people's successes (bazillionaires or really together moms) and figure out how they can help me be a better me.