Dress shopping - Nature or Nurture?

I’m going to a formal tomorrow evening. This, on paper, is a simple thing – get dressed, go to the location, eat and chat with friends.  And if I was a dude, my husband for instance, it would be that easy.  But we know, as women, going to a formal event is not at all that simple.

Of course, there’s the constant girl question – what am I going to wear? Because I do not have a ready-to-go gown in my closet. Really. Okay, I do have a couple long dresses, however, they were purchased a couple years and a few more pounds ago.  And if its one thing you can’t hide too well in a formal gown – those extra bags of M&Ms and cupcakes.

My girlfriend (who is also going, and also without a dress) and I spent an evening dress shopping. (Also, a difference between males and females, as I’ve never not once known my husband to require a friend to go with him to find a suit.) We headed out, with all the parameters in mind for a new formal dress, because there’s a lot.  Like, color.  Red is pretty, but is it too bright, too sexy? Black is classic, but does it get boring. I love green, but going into fall, its got to be the right shade. Too old for a pink gown and too tall for yellow.  And fit, of course. And consideration of what types of Spanx are going to be required to actually wear the dress outside of a fitting room.  And price for this one occasion, because I don’t have another formal on my calendar in the foreseeable future.  We took all of that – and one mall, four department stores, and a bunch of specialty dress shops, later – we were still without dresses, with one maybe.  We had to finish that missions solo, due to our schedules, but we did each manage to find something pretty.

Now, the last minute girly part.  What jewelry will look good with the dress? What shoes will we wear? By some miracle, or perhaps a schedule to busy to allow for shoe shopping, I have a pair in my closet that will work with the dress.  Letting my nails dry while I type this blogpost.

What makes us this way? Is it genetic, that we girls have to be so – well, girly?  Or is it nurture? I’ve repeated this same dress shopping thing in the past few days with my daughter, because the homecoming dance is coming up (yeah, my daughter going to a homecoming dance, another anxiety attack, another blogpost.)  We did the thing – multiple stores, which color, blah blah blah.  My son, picking out clothes for anything, is like “give me the blue one.” Done.  So is it in her chromosomes that she felt like she needed a new dress, is it the way I’ve raised her, or some greater societal influence? 

While we think on that, I’ve got to go figure out what I’m going to do with my hair.

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5 Reasons to Encourage Girls about Diet and Exercise

Girls aren’t supposed to want to be pretty and attractive. At least that’s the new message that seems to be out.  There's a hashtag movement to shy away from telling our girls that they are pretty, only smart - but why not both?  There’s a social message that we don't want our girls to think that exercising is for our own self-image, but only strictly to be healthy and because we enjoy it. More girl-focused campaigns are trying to downplay the truth of wanting to look good and be attractive.  And yes, as a woman and mom of three beautiful girls, I get that there's a lot of over-sexualization in girl-targeted ads and media and clothing; trust me, I struggle with that when clothes shopping, pushing my girls past the make-up counter and push-up bras in the junior sections.  But part of teaching them to walk past all of that superficial-ness and not be too grown, is to teach them to love their own image.

I workout, in a good week, three to four times.  Running, swimming, weightlifting, playing tennis – some combination of those.  And in a real good week, I limit the amount of ice cream and chocolate cake I eat to only 1 or 2 servings.  Like most women, I have a goal weight and a preferred dress size.

This all goes hand-in-hand, doesn’t it?  Exercise, diet, body size. Along with body image and satisfaction with that image. It's an important balance, aligning a workout schedule, a proper diet, and a reasonable desired body image.

So, it's not a secret that I workout and sometimes watch what I eat, partly (mainly) because of self-image. My daughters (and my son, too) know that I try to balance all of this to look how I want to look, or at least something close to it.  And here's why I've never really thought of this as something to deny because there’s a few things I want my kids to understand.

Physical fitness and good health is a choice. Exercise is something that fits into a lifestyle, it’s not just about going to the gym at a scheduled time to jump around, especially for children.  We can decide to sit on the couch and watch TV for 10 hours a day or go out and ride bikes or run around with the dog and be active.  It’s a choice and that choice will affect your health.

Your diet is a choice. And I don’t mean diet as in the all-grapefruit kind of diet, but “diet” in the sense of everything you eat.  We can eat pizza and fries for breakfast, lunch, and dinner 7 days a week (not good) or for one meal of the week, balanced with a salad and fruit, and other healthy meals.  We can’t eat ice cream three times every day, but we can enjoy a sweet scoop on a Saturday afternoon.  We can always enjoy the good things in life.

You should love who you are and what you look like.  There is nothing wrong with looking at yourself in the mirror and liking what you see.  There is also nothing wrong with wanting to be a better you and figuring out how to be that better self.  With proper nurturing and encouragement, that can result into healthier eating and exercise rather than quick weight-reduction tactics, starving oneself, and artificial beauty.  Maybe it will translate into appreciating their intelligence and talents, building their confidence.  We want our children to love their own natural selves.

You have some control over your life and your health.  Granted, there are some health-issues that we have no control over.  But the complications of being over-weight and not having a proper diet – that is within our own decision making power.  Along with that, hopefully the kids will begin to understand that who they are as people is also up to them – how they act, how they present themselves, what they become.  They have to decide who they want to be and be proud of that person.

It’s all about balance and moderation. Yes, you can exercise too little, as well as too much. You can overeat, undereat, consume the proper amount of calories but they might not be all “healthy.” It’s not about being rail thin to show off your ribs, but being a good correlation of height (which you can’t control) and weight (which you can) and eventually, age.  Like a lot of things in life, you have to find the proper balance of “enough” and moderate your intake and output.

And I will admit, it is a fine line between making children conscious of a healthy body size and being overly concerned about it, but that’s all part of the learning process – for all of us.

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Are you raising a Diva?

I was at one of my kids’ schools and in conversation, this little girl says to me, “I’m a diva.”

“I didn’t know you sang opera,” I said.

Of course, the little girl looked at me in confusion.

“Because that’s what divas do,” I further defined. 

“No, I don’t sing opera,” she said, confirming my assumption that she did not.

“Then why do you think you’re a diva?” Well, we know the answer right?

“Because my mom told me I was. She always says I’m such a diva,” she said, with the requisite teeny hand on not-yet existent hip and shake of her braids.

I smiled and nodded, keeping my next thought to myself.  Ahh, so if you aren’t an opera singer, or some other highly accomplished singer, your mother’s proud of you in the urban cultural definition of the word for being a rude, self-indulgent, high maintenance woman?  (You know the one-word synonym that rhymes with “mitch,” but this is a family blog.)

Why? Why, moms, why do we proudly call our little girls “divas,” screenprint it on sweatpants across their little behinds, put them to bed with sleeping masks imprinted with it, and throw them 10-year old diva themed birthday parties? Really? And then we get all mad about our daughters not being taken seriously as students of math, science and technology?  One of my daughter’s friends had a birthday party recently and her theme was “nerdy school girl” and the cake was designed as a stack of books. A little different, but so much better than the diva spa parties that are the new trend.

What are we telling our daughters when we sweetly and proudly call them “diva” when they pitch a fit about eating their dinner or because they didn’t get the pair of jeans they wanted or don’t have the latest iPhone25?  What message are we sending when we, essientally, praise them for such behavior? And then we wonder why when they get to their teen years they are demanding a BMW for their Sweet 16 or continue to throw tantrums when we say “no’?

On large scale, we don’t do this with our boys, right? I don’t even know what you would call a boy who acts in this manner, a “divo” perhaps?  But we do not praise our boys' bad behavior. Unfortunately, our society sometimes labels them for their behavior, but not in a good way, either. (A whole ‘nother discussion.)

We can do better. There is a whole dictionary full of more positive, beautiful images and appellations for our daughters other than high-maintenance, "witchy" women.

Unless, of course, she is channeling Marian Anderson.

Marian Anderson, Lincoln Memorial, Easter Sunday 1939

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We Did the GOTR 5K - Now Keep on Running!

For all the grown folks who are sitting on the couch, wishing they could run/walk/crawl to the finish line of a 5K and explaining all the reasons why you can't do it, take a note from our Girls on the Run (GOTR) team - you can do it!

When we started back in September, the girls were a bit skeptical.  Run how many times around the school field?  We started there with a simple math lesson: the school field is 1/6 mile, our goal is 3.1 miles, 3.1 times 6?  They thought we had pretty much lost our minds as they collected their popsicle stick lap counters and laced on their bead mile markers.  It wasn't long before they got bored of running laps and were ready to hit the street.  Our little band of 25 girls, teachers, and coaches became a familiar sight around the neighborhood at 3:30 p.m.

The color of the year: orange

Indoors, we talked about standing up for ourselves and being positive.  We talked about personal affirmations, finding personal characteristics that we could take pride in.  We pushed the girls to go beyond "I am awesome" and "I can do anything" to get to "I am a good pianist" and "I'm helpful to my mother" and "I'm beautiful."  I do believe that for some of them, it was the first time that they admitted "I am good at math" out loud.  We encouraged them to cheer each other on and say "good job" as they ran past each other on their laps.

Girl Power!  Our GOTR team getting ready to go

For the past ten weeks, twice a week, we've been meeting and talking and running.  Yesterday, we met early in the morning, dressed in our orange GOTR t-shirts and our blue and gray bandanas and gloves, representing our school colors.  Our families came out to run with us and to cheer us on - moms and dads with cameras, younger siblings in strollers, brothers and sisters with signs.  When we crossed the finish line, each girl felt a true sense of accomplishment - she really did this!  And I did, too - this was my first 5K that I've actually run the entire distance - a personal best for me.

Our ribbons of team & GOTR colors

Now that it's all over, I hope the girls will take this feeling of accomplishment with them.  Perhaps, like me, when they are in the midst of something that feels impossible, they'll remind themselves, "hey, I finished that 5K, surely I can do this."  Sometimes it just takes doing one great thing to give you the confidence to do another great thing.  I hope that these girls will keep on running.

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Leave Barbie to Her Pink Kingdom

Barbie and I had to have a talk this morning, she was very nervous about losing her pink kingdom.  Why?  We heard about this “Let Toys Be Toys” campaign that encourages toy stores not to continue in “gender marketing”, i.e. putting all the boys toys together in the blue aisles and the girls toys together in the pink aisles.  And if you aren’t sure what “boys’ toys” are, that general means the G.I Joe’s, Nerf aresenal, trucks, and Legos.  The “girls’ toys” include Barbie, the big head doll for hairstyling, tea sets, and princess dress-up clothes.  The campaign has convinced Toys R’ Us – U.K. to get rid of the gender designations in their toy aisles.

Why do we want to move all the toys around and make it even harder to find anything?  Boys (usually) like playing with trucks, girls (generally) like to play with dolls.  Every now and then a boy will set up a tea party and a girl will shoot someone with a foam dart.  We’re all cool with that. Why do we have to rearrange the toy store so that we can’t find nothing during the frantic shopping for Christmas or 15 minutes before our kid’s friend’s birthday party?

It's so simple when all the pink stuff is in the same aisle.

The campaign encourages the stores to arrange toys by “theme or function.”  Isn’t that what the doll aisle and the truck aisle do already? Are we just complaining about the color of the sign at this point? All I know is, as a parent, shopping is quite easy when Barbie and her clothes and cars and horse and pets and friends are all under that bright pink banner. If she’s going to be hanging out with Batman and I’ve got to go to the next aisle to get her pink-mobile from next to the Bat-mobile, I’m gonna be even more frazzled than I usually am when I’m toy shopping.

Even by "theme," my daughter & son are still grabbing the "girl" and "boy" boxes, respectively.

This seems to be another case of where good ole’ fashioned parenting could step in, instead of upsetting everyone else’s life. If you want your son to bake some cookies in the Easy Bake Oven and your daughter to push around a dumptruck, here’s an idea.  Ready? Buy it for them. What about that? You can buy your kid whatever toy you want to, no matter what aisle it’s in, no matter what you think the toy store is forcing upon you. You, mom and dad, get to choose what you spend your hard-earned money or the giftcard from Grandma on. Get your son the toy vacuum and pick up the box of Legos for your daughter. You will not be tackled by the toy police.

Do we really think that by rearranging the toy store, our daughters are going to pick up the tool set and our sons are going to choose the purse set?  I’m not so sure about that. I think it has more to do with the message that we send them at home.  It’s up to you as a parent to convey to your kids that girls can fix stuff around the house and ride skateboards and boys can cook dinner and take care of the coo-ing baby doll. If that’s what you want them to believe, you’ve got to invite your girl into your real garage and your boy into your real kitchen.

We can’t let the toy stores raise our kids. Otherwise, they’ll all think that you can cook anything with a lightbulb and that bullets stick to you with suction cups and no-one gets hurt in warfare.

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Let Girls Be Girls

I spotted this t-shirt for sale at one of my daughter's all-girls basketball tournaments.  It's catchy, but what's it mean?  What is the subtle message we're sending?  "It's one thing to be a great girl, but that means nothing if you can't hang with the boys."

What's the message we're sending our girls?

There seems to be a popular notion that being able to keep up with the boys makes a girl better.  For all we talk about girls being equal, just as smart, strong, athletic as the boys, we  still push for the opportunity to prove our girls by hanging with the boys.  We don't want pink & frilly stuff, we want what the boys have.

Consider the big deal made over the woman who went out to be an NFL kicker. She played soccer, but that wasn't good enough, she was going for a man's job; she didn't make it.  Or the debate whether the top girl college basketball players should forego the WNBA and try-out for the NBA.  What's wrong with playing in the WNBA and being a darn good woman basketball player?  Difference in salary aside, why do they have to prove their skill by competing with Labron and Kobe?

By nature, we are, on average, the smaller, less aggressive sex, yet we want our girls to compete with and be more like the males of our species.  We don't do this to our boys.  When was the last time you heard of parents petitioning for their son to play on the girl's softball team or a male golfer to ask to hit from the women's tee?  No, no, no, that would show some kind of weakness.  What dad would buy their son the t-shirt pictured if it had the reverse message "act like a boy, play like a girl"?

Yes, there are girls that can hang with the boys.  Getting Venus, Serena, Nadal, and Federer one one court would be a great match to watch.  And it'd be fun to watch fellow Blue Hen, Della Donne and Skylar Diggins and Brittney Griner play 3-on-3 with some of the big boys.  But not to prove anything.  Not because the girls need to validate their worth and their skill.  They've already done that.  They've already proved they are great women athletes.  They don't need to also be a great male athletes.

We need to send our girls a different message.

"Act like a girl. Play like a girl. Be proud to be a girl."

100 Hairstyles in a Lifetime

Hoda & Kathy said that a woman goes through 100 hairstyles in her lifetime.  That's at least what I read because I was watching them with closed-captioned while on the treadmill and surprised to see them in the morning.  I had gotten so used to them at 2 a.m., I forgot that the daylight behind them wasn't a studio trick.  But now, having to wake up at pre-dawn to get ready to send the foursome off to school, I'm back to watching the real-daylight, closed-captioned, version.  Okay, back to the hairstyle thing.

100 hairstyles.  That's a lot isn't it?  What exactly defines a "hairstyle"?  A ponytail one day and a french braid the next and a messy bun the next don't count, right?  Because if every time you do your hair different counts, I think my 7-year old might be pretty close to her lifetime limit.  I think a definite, obvious cut or color or almost-permanent curling or straightening would be required to count as a hairstyle.  In which case, I am woefully below my lifetime limit.  I think I've only had my hair cut, more than a couple inches for a healthy trim, maybe half a dozen times.  And coloring?  Once in college when I did it myself against the warning of my room-mate.  Yeah, frizzy, light brown/dark orange really wasn't such a good look.  Almost as bad as growing out light brown/dark orange with black roots.  And now, I'm pretty much going with the not quite straight, not quite curly, better off tied up look.

And do you count the times you tried to cut your own hair?  My second daughter would have a couple checked off on that list; she thought scissors were a good, quick way to demonstrate her dislike for a particular ponytail and her desire for bangs.

Does this also count the myriad experiments that moms go through trying to figure out what to do with their daughters' hair?  Over the past couple weeks, I've been with a couple different groups of mothers and each time, the conversation has wandered into the "what do you do with her hair?" realm.

What grade of hair does the girl have?  How long is it?  Does she play sports?  Does she like barrettes?  Is her hair "natural" or have some kind of processed treatment or whatever there is in between?  How old is she?  What products have you tried?  What worked?  What didn't work?  Braids, twists, blow-dryer, flat-iron, curlers?  Shampoo and condition?  Shampoo only?  Condition only?

On and on.  Try it.  Put about 3 or 4 moms of girls together, give them a few minutes, and watch the conversation turn towards hair. 

 Half of our hair product inventory: just for one day.

Why?  Because, aside from the desire for healthy hair, we moms are judged by what our children look like!  True?  True.  You know when you see a child with crazy looking hair, you don't shake your head and think "what has that child done to her hair?"  No, instead you think "what the heck is wrong with her mother letting that child come out of the house like that?"  Thus, our daughter's hair goes on the list of things to stress about. 

So, those 100 hairstyles?  We probably go through half of those before we are old enough to wrestle our heads from our mothers and start our own experiments.  We run through a bunch more trying out whatever's the "in" style of that time.  And then we leave a few for when our daughters are still interested enough to play in our hair and style it with 55 barrettes (probably one of the best looks I've had in quite awhile).  

What's been your best hairstyle?

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