How We’re Doing Christmas Wrong & Stressing Ourselves Out

Before we begin, let’s first revisit the true meaning of Christmas. Its not “giving”, its not “sharing,” its not “doing charity,” although all of those are good things and we can make a logical argument why they are related to Christmas. But really, the holiday is the observance/recognition/celebration/remembrance of the birth of Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior.  Linus explains that pretty clearly to all the Peanuts kids.  And yes – I know about winter Solstice and harvest festivals, Santa Claus, Christmas trees, etc. etc. But, still, Christmas is about Jesus Christ’s birth even if it is on December 25 for some random reason that has nothing to do with the Bible that some folks long time ago thought would be a good day.

Now that we’ve got that straightened out, here’s how we’re doing this thing all wrong, causing ourselves a bunch of stress.

Note, that I am writing this blogpost surrounded by open boxes of gold ribbon, sparkly ornaments, statues of angels and snowmen, and green garland, while taking a break from draping everything in my house in boughs of holly. So, yes, I am including myself in that “we.”

We treat Christmas as the “Give Everyone You Have Ever Seen in the Past Year a Gift” Day.  Why am I giving the dude who drops off my newspaper or cuts my grass a Christmas gift?  Why is my dentist sending me a Christmas card? My kids’ teachers and coaches are nice people, but why do I need to give each and every one of them a Christmas gift? I don’t even know if all these people are Christians. Why don’t we give some of these people gifts on a day that makes more sense? Give the grass cutter his tip at the end of summer. Give the coach a gift at the end of the season. Give the teacher a gift during Teacher Appreciation week or on the last day of school as an apology for all the headaches your child has caused. Why Christmas?

We try to include everyone in Christmas. I had to catch myself the other day as I was looking for Christmas cards (which I haven’t sent out yet.) I picked up cards with a Nativity scene and Bible verses on them, then started looking for a box that I could send to people who may not be Christian. Why? I said to myself. Why am I looking for not-too-Christmas-y Christmas cards to send to non-Christians? This doesn’t even make sense! I’ve never received a Hannakuh card, am not offended by that and doubt that my Jewish friends even think twice about it.

Giving folks random stuff as gifts. With all the gifting, we give pretty bad gifts.  Why, oh why, do we think that giving someone an icescraper is a good gift? Or underwear? Or any other thing that you grabbed up from the CVS aisle on December 24^th?  The other day, we were in the store and saw a gift package – it had a razor, shaving cream, and deodorant all wrapped up in a pretty box. My kids and I laughed so hard - this is a terrible gift. It says “here, I was thinking about how hairy and smelly you are – Merry Christmas.” What? Why is that giftboxed? Because we panic when we look at the 5011 people on our gift list and start just grabbing random nonsense off the shelves and sticking a bow on it. Cut your list to people you really care about, buy them something with thought. I’d rather get a candy cane than a bottle of shaving cream.

We threaten to “take away Christmas.” What’s the go-to response when our kids act up or don’t do so great on their report card, especially post-Thanksgiving when Santa starts making his list?  But we can’t “take away Christmas” anymore than we can take away Saturday or the sun coming up. December 25 is coming regardless of what your kid does, unless he can stop time.  What we really mean is we are not going to give them gifts if they don’t what we want them to do. But this conditionality isn’t what Christmas is about; in fact, it’s the opposite.  God sent Jesus because He loved His people. Unconditionally. And after the folks still acted up – in the Bible and since then - God didn’t say “too bad – no more Jesus for you.” Jesus is the full earthly embodiment of unconditional love.  This is what we should model in our Christmas celebration, not threatening to take away a box of Legos or a doll because our kids didn’t make up their bed.

We think everybody should celebrate Christmas… or nobody should.  I didn’t even pay attention to that Starbucks red cup thing since I don’t need a coffee house to tell me how and when to celebrate a religious holiday. How much energy and debate goes on each year over whether there should be a Nativity scene in the town square, whether the kids should sing Rudolph in the Winter Concert, why we can’t hang a Santa on the school door, _______ (fill in the blank with your neighborhood example.)  Observe your own holiday, be respectful of others who may or may not wish to join you, don’t be offended if a symbol of Christmas dares to cross your sight.

Even Non-Christians let themselves get stressed out about Christmas. I kinda feel bad for people who aren’t Christian, because I assume its some kind of social pressure that makes them come up with an associated celebration of a holiday that they don’t celebrate. They have to mail out some kind of cards, explain to their kids who Santa is and why he’s not coming to their house, or pack up and head to Hawaii to get away from all the boughs of holly. (Okay, I don’t feel bad for those people on the beach.) If I was non-Christian, I think I would like to ignore all the Christmas hoopla and focus on my normal life or the trauma its going to cause my kids.

The Elf on the Shelf. I’m just so glad that this phenomenon caught on after my kids were too old to be amused by it. That’s all.

Letting all the ways we're "supposed" to enjoy Christmas stress us out. Yes, Christmas has morphed into this religious, but also secular, holiday and the meaning gets lost in the shuffle sometime. That’s something we each have to work out for our own households.  But while we’re doing it – let’s get rid of the extras that add to our stress and stop doing the stuff that doesn't bring us joy so that we can truly enjoy the spirit of the holiday instead of approaching it dreading all the work it "requires."  And in the meantime, I’ll be dancing with the Peanuts gang and the Jackson 5 and watering my poinsettias.

What to Get Your Wife / Mother of Your Children for Christmas

It’s a week before Christmas. If your husband is like mine, he has not yet begun to even think about your Christmas gift, let alone panic about it. But you want him to start thinking about it because, as much as you do need a new vacuum cleaner, you do not want to find one under your Christmas tree. Or a shower gel and lotion set which is not in any scent that you want to smell like all day.

The hard part about shopping for your spouse, is that as grown-ups you each have access to money and usually, you are sharing, in some way, the same pot of money. Buying the other person is just a shift of who is doing the spending.  So the gift really has to be about some thoughtfulness, its more than the actual dollars spent.

I asked a bunch of friends for ideas and have rounded up some ideas here. Make it easy for the folks who love you – print this list and hand it to them or forward the blog post, and sit back and prepare to be delighted.

Gift Lists for Husbands: What to Get Your Wife / the Mother of your children

Something a little extravagant. As responsible folks, you may be on a household budget or at least have limits to what you think is reasonable spending. Splurge a little for your wife, get her something that she wouldn’t get for herself because of whatever money rules there are in your house. Maybe it’s that cashmere sweater, or a special thing for her hobby.  Say “you deserve a little extra” by being a little extravagant.

Time for herself. By herself or with friends. Although this may be the same for women without children, how they arrange their schedule and commitments is different than a mom who has little people depending on her, so this one is especially for the moms.  One thing every mom I know talks about is not having time for herself, whether that’s to read, get a pedicure, wander through the farmer’s market – whatever.  Set a time and make a commitment, to take care of the kids –without you calling/texting asking a bunch of questions (including “what should we eat for lunch?”) so that she can go out and do whatever it is she enjoys doing by herself. And this is important – do not cancel!

Indulgent, self care (spa, hair, massage) appointments.  Don’t just get the spa giftcard, see my comment above of shifting the spending. Because once she has the giftcard, there’s still the issue of actually getting around to using it. Unfortunately, I’ve had several spa giftcards that have expired or after a year of being shifted around my desk, has gotten lost.  Instead, make her an appointment, or if she has a crazy schedule let her make it, then be absolutely, no questions asked be available to take care of the kids.

Housecleaning service. There is a feeling of accomplishment in cleaning the house. Standing back and looking at a gleaming floor and sparkly windows.  It can also be tiring, boring, redundant and a bit frustrating when you know that all is going to kaput! when everyone else gets back home. Let her enjoy a clean house without the effort by hiring a housecleaning service. One before or after the holidays is great, on a regular basis if you can swing it is even better.

Car detailing. Most (all?) moms that I know spend what seems like half their life in their cars. Driving, chauffeuring kids with their backpacks, snacks, spilled lunchboxes, dinner in between activities, pencils and crayons, changing clothes, library books and random kid miscellaneous. And remnants of all that are in the floor and between the seats of the car. And with all that driving and chaffeuring – who has time to clean the car?  Take the car for a couple hours, get it detailed, put in one of those delightful smell good things from Bath & Body Works and let her drive around in a clean car. At least until the kids climb in with some french fries.

A night away from home. Does she want you to go with her or does she want to go alone? Good question. Make two different reservations to be safe.  Its important as busy parents to have your away time, your “us” time to remember what it is that you love about each other, other than the ability to juggle homework, dinner, and a hairbrush all at the same time.  And its also important for her to have time to do the things she enjoys by herself. Or doing nothing. When was the last time she slept in, ordered breakfast in bed, and sat in bed in her pj’s all day reading a book or bingewatching movies? Priceless.

A day of rest.  Maybe the household budget doesn’t allow for a hotel stay or she’s a homebody, you can still gift her a day to herself to hang out in her pjs and enjoy breakfast while its still hot. But you and the kids must leave the house. Read that again. Suggesting that mom sleep in or lay in bed and read, while she hears the microwave beeping, the kids running through the house, and you catching up on the game is not restful. You and the kids must leave the house. Go to a movie, go to a park, go sit on the neighbor’s front steps. But you must leave.

That thing that she has dropped 100 hints about – pay attention. You keep seeing that ad for a Pandora bracelet on your kitchen counter? Is she trying to keep track of all her walking steps in her head?  She’s read every review for a new Broadway show?  Hint hint. This one’s easy dude. She’s left the breadcrumbs.

 Your continued prayers, undying love, unflinching commitment and a hug. Trust me. She’ll be eternally grateful.

Happy gifting!

(And do you need a “don’t buy this” list, too? Perhaps I shall prepare that too, just to be safe.)

A Parent's Christmas Wish List

Here’s my list of all I want for Christmas. Or my birthday. Or anyday. 

• More sleep. Specifically, in the mornings because I don’t want to miss Jimmy Fallon and the Roots.  I just want to sleep until after the sun has come up.

• To only have to say “good night, sweethearts” once a night. Okay, even four times would be fine, but once per child per night.

• Less laundry. My kids put on their jeans, go to school, sit at their desks, come home sit on the couch, take them off, throw them in the laundry hamper (or usually the floor, but let’s pretend.) I’ve been telling my kids, air them out, hang them up, wear them again. And I’m even backed up by Levi’s President & CEO Chip Bergh who recommends washing your jeans less than every week – or in his case, annually.  And swimming towels? Ugh. The life of the mother of a swimmer.

• Less dishes to wash. If you just have toast and a boiled egg, you can just wipe of the crumbs and use it again, right? Someone – back me up.

• More sleep.  On the weekends when we’re supposed to be sleeping in, not setting an alarm to get to [fill-in-the-blank] practice.

• To finish a cup of coffee while it’s hot. I start every morning with two cups of coffee. The first one is to sip while I’m getting everyone ready and out the door. I generally never finish that one because mid-way it gets cold.  If I’m lucky, I get to finish the second one between the washing drying, folding, sweeping.

• Mastery of another language that only my husband and I know. This way, we could maybe have a conversation without our offspring interjecting. I’m regrettably not fluent in Korean, so even to this day, my mother and her sisters and friends can talk about whatever they want (including me) without me knowing that they’re talking about. I’m jealous of that power. Lesson young parents – learn a foreign language.

• A helicopter. It doesn’t have to be all Air Force One-ish, something simple with a coffee cup holder that carries five and all their stuff is all I need. Then I could get through the crazy traffic in my county and get everyone to basketball, swimming, tennis, and choir practice all at the same time, without negotiating who will be late this time and who will have to wait afterwards to get picked up. Do they come in pink and green?

• Another cup of coffee, afterall. Yes, let’s go for three. Make it hot.

• A magic potion to make this childhood thing last a little bit longer. My oldest is in high school, her sister will join her next year.  Chatter comes through our house with words like “SAT,” “college application,” “won’t live here anymore,” “driver’s license.”  It’s making me nervous. Where did “dollbabies,” “coloring,” “One Fish Two Fish” go? I’ll take four doses, please.

• Just a little more sleep.

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas! Enjoy the gift of eternal love and family, today and every day.

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