How We’re Doing Christmas Wrong & Stressing Ourselves Out

Before we begin, let’s first revisit the true meaning of Christmas. Its not “giving”, its not “sharing,” its not “doing charity,” although all of those are good things and we can make a logical argument why they are related to Christmas. But really, the holiday is the observance/recognition/celebration/remembrance of the birth of Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior.  Linus explains that pretty clearly to all the Peanuts kids.  And yes – I know about winter Solstice and harvest festivals, Santa Claus, Christmas trees, etc. etc. But, still, Christmas is about Jesus Christ’s birth even if it is on December 25 for some random reason that has nothing to do with the Bible that some folks long time ago thought would be a good day.

Now that we’ve got that straightened out, here’s how we’re doing this thing all wrong, causing ourselves a bunch of stress.

Note, that I am writing this blogpost surrounded by open boxes of gold ribbon, sparkly ornaments, statues of angels and snowmen, and green garland, while taking a break from draping everything in my house in boughs of holly. So, yes, I am including myself in that “we.”

We treat Christmas as the “Give Everyone You Have Ever Seen in the Past Year a Gift” Day.  Why am I giving the dude who drops off my newspaper or cuts my grass a Christmas gift?  Why is my dentist sending me a Christmas card? My kids’ teachers and coaches are nice people, but why do I need to give each and every one of them a Christmas gift? I don’t even know if all these people are Christians. Why don’t we give some of these people gifts on a day that makes more sense? Give the grass cutter his tip at the end of summer. Give the coach a gift at the end of the season. Give the teacher a gift during Teacher Appreciation week or on the last day of school as an apology for all the headaches your child has caused. Why Christmas?

We try to include everyone in Christmas. I had to catch myself the other day as I was looking for Christmas cards (which I haven’t sent out yet.) I picked up cards with a Nativity scene and Bible verses on them, then started looking for a box that I could send to people who may not be Christian. Why? I said to myself. Why am I looking for not-too-Christmas-y Christmas cards to send to non-Christians? This doesn’t even make sense! I’ve never received a Hannakuh card, am not offended by that and doubt that my Jewish friends even think twice about it.

Giving folks random stuff as gifts. With all the gifting, we give pretty bad gifts.  Why, oh why, do we think that giving someone an icescraper is a good gift? Or underwear? Or any other thing that you grabbed up from the CVS aisle on December 24^th?  The other day, we were in the store and saw a gift package – it had a razor, shaving cream, and deodorant all wrapped up in a pretty box. My kids and I laughed so hard - this is a terrible gift. It says “here, I was thinking about how hairy and smelly you are – Merry Christmas.” What? Why is that giftboxed? Because we panic when we look at the 5011 people on our gift list and start just grabbing random nonsense off the shelves and sticking a bow on it. Cut your list to people you really care about, buy them something with thought. I’d rather get a candy cane than a bottle of shaving cream.

We threaten to “take away Christmas.” What’s the go-to response when our kids act up or don’t do so great on their report card, especially post-Thanksgiving when Santa starts making his list?  But we can’t “take away Christmas” anymore than we can take away Saturday or the sun coming up. December 25 is coming regardless of what your kid does, unless he can stop time.  What we really mean is we are not going to give them gifts if they don’t what we want them to do. But this conditionality isn’t what Christmas is about; in fact, it’s the opposite.  God sent Jesus because He loved His people. Unconditionally. And after the folks still acted up – in the Bible and since then - God didn’t say “too bad – no more Jesus for you.” Jesus is the full earthly embodiment of unconditional love.  This is what we should model in our Christmas celebration, not threatening to take away a box of Legos or a doll because our kids didn’t make up their bed.

We think everybody should celebrate Christmas… or nobody should.  I didn’t even pay attention to that Starbucks red cup thing since I don’t need a coffee house to tell me how and when to celebrate a religious holiday. How much energy and debate goes on each year over whether there should be a Nativity scene in the town square, whether the kids should sing Rudolph in the Winter Concert, why we can’t hang a Santa on the school door, _______ (fill in the blank with your neighborhood example.)  Observe your own holiday, be respectful of others who may or may not wish to join you, don’t be offended if a symbol of Christmas dares to cross your sight.

Even Non-Christians let themselves get stressed out about Christmas. I kinda feel bad for people who aren’t Christian, because I assume its some kind of social pressure that makes them come up with an associated celebration of a holiday that they don’t celebrate. They have to mail out some kind of cards, explain to their kids who Santa is and why he’s not coming to their house, or pack up and head to Hawaii to get away from all the boughs of holly. (Okay, I don’t feel bad for those people on the beach.) If I was non-Christian, I think I would like to ignore all the Christmas hoopla and focus on my normal life or the trauma its going to cause my kids.

The Elf on the Shelf. I’m just so glad that this phenomenon caught on after my kids were too old to be amused by it. That’s all.

Letting all the ways we're "supposed" to enjoy Christmas stress us out. Yes, Christmas has morphed into this religious, but also secular, holiday and the meaning gets lost in the shuffle sometime. That’s something we each have to work out for our own households.  But while we’re doing it – let’s get rid of the extras that add to our stress and stop doing the stuff that doesn't bring us joy so that we can truly enjoy the spirit of the holiday instead of approaching it dreading all the work it "requires."  And in the meantime, I’ll be dancing with the Peanuts gang and the Jackson 5 and watering my poinsettias.

What to Get Your Wife / Mother of Your Children for Christmas

It’s a week before Christmas. If your husband is like mine, he has not yet begun to even think about your Christmas gift, let alone panic about it. But you want him to start thinking about it because, as much as you do need a new vacuum cleaner, you do not want to find one under your Christmas tree. Or a shower gel and lotion set which is not in any scent that you want to smell like all day.

The hard part about shopping for your spouse, is that as grown-ups you each have access to money and usually, you are sharing, in some way, the same pot of money. Buying the other person is just a shift of who is doing the spending.  So the gift really has to be about some thoughtfulness, its more than the actual dollars spent.

I asked a bunch of friends for ideas and have rounded up some ideas here. Make it easy for the folks who love you – print this list and hand it to them or forward the blog post, and sit back and prepare to be delighted.

Gift Lists for Husbands: What to Get Your Wife / the Mother of your children

Something a little extravagant. As responsible folks, you may be on a household budget or at least have limits to what you think is reasonable spending. Splurge a little for your wife, get her something that she wouldn’t get for herself because of whatever money rules there are in your house. Maybe it’s that cashmere sweater, or a special thing for her hobby.  Say “you deserve a little extra” by being a little extravagant.

Time for herself. By herself or with friends. Although this may be the same for women without children, how they arrange their schedule and commitments is different than a mom who has little people depending on her, so this one is especially for the moms.  One thing every mom I know talks about is not having time for herself, whether that’s to read, get a pedicure, wander through the farmer’s market – whatever.  Set a time and make a commitment, to take care of the kids –without you calling/texting asking a bunch of questions (including “what should we eat for lunch?”) so that she can go out and do whatever it is she enjoys doing by herself. And this is important – do not cancel!

Indulgent, self care (spa, hair, massage) appointments.  Don’t just get the spa giftcard, see my comment above of shifting the spending. Because once she has the giftcard, there’s still the issue of actually getting around to using it. Unfortunately, I’ve had several spa giftcards that have expired or after a year of being shifted around my desk, has gotten lost.  Instead, make her an appointment, or if she has a crazy schedule let her make it, then be absolutely, no questions asked be available to take care of the kids.

Housecleaning service. There is a feeling of accomplishment in cleaning the house. Standing back and looking at a gleaming floor and sparkly windows.  It can also be tiring, boring, redundant and a bit frustrating when you know that all is going to kaput! when everyone else gets back home. Let her enjoy a clean house without the effort by hiring a housecleaning service. One before or after the holidays is great, on a regular basis if you can swing it is even better.

Car detailing. Most (all?) moms that I know spend what seems like half their life in their cars. Driving, chauffeuring kids with their backpacks, snacks, spilled lunchboxes, dinner in between activities, pencils and crayons, changing clothes, library books and random kid miscellaneous. And remnants of all that are in the floor and between the seats of the car. And with all that driving and chaffeuring – who has time to clean the car?  Take the car for a couple hours, get it detailed, put in one of those delightful smell good things from Bath & Body Works and let her drive around in a clean car. At least until the kids climb in with some french fries.

A night away from home. Does she want you to go with her or does she want to go alone? Good question. Make two different reservations to be safe.  Its important as busy parents to have your away time, your “us” time to remember what it is that you love about each other, other than the ability to juggle homework, dinner, and a hairbrush all at the same time.  And its also important for her to have time to do the things she enjoys by herself. Or doing nothing. When was the last time she slept in, ordered breakfast in bed, and sat in bed in her pj’s all day reading a book or bingewatching movies? Priceless.

A day of rest.  Maybe the household budget doesn’t allow for a hotel stay or she’s a homebody, you can still gift her a day to herself to hang out in her pjs and enjoy breakfast while its still hot. But you and the kids must leave the house. Read that again. Suggesting that mom sleep in or lay in bed and read, while she hears the microwave beeping, the kids running through the house, and you catching up on the game is not restful. You and the kids must leave the house. Go to a movie, go to a park, go sit on the neighbor’s front steps. But you must leave.

That thing that she has dropped 100 hints about – pay attention. You keep seeing that ad for a Pandora bracelet on your kitchen counter? Is she trying to keep track of all her walking steps in her head?  She’s read every review for a new Broadway show?  Hint hint. This one’s easy dude. She’s left the breadcrumbs.

 Your continued prayers, undying love, unflinching commitment and a hug. Trust me. She’ll be eternally grateful.

Happy gifting!

(And do you need a “don’t buy this” list, too? Perhaps I shall prepare that too, just to be safe.)

On This Day of December

It started out simply. A friend handed me a large “card” filled with chocolate behind numbered tabs. An Advent calendar.  She and her family had decided that they were giving out Advent calendars to their friends and she forgot to give me mine when she saw me the day before, and her kids reminded her to give one to our family. So we got ours on December 1.

For someone who loves the month of December and forgets to get an Advent calendar until sometime close to mid-December, this was a wonderfully, thoughtful, timely gift.

I posted on Facebook (because that’s what you must do when someone gives you something) “On the first day of December…” while humming 12 Days of Christmas.

When another friend offered to deliver the Christmas wreath that I had ordered from his daughter’s sports team on the next day, saving me the drive… well, there seemed to be a pattern brewing. What other gifts and blessings lay before me for the next 29 days?

Its made me think, each day, about the blessing received in every day life. I know at this season, its all about the giving – its better to give than to receive – and all that. But I wanted to focus on being appreciative for the things I received, the things that may be overlooked as a blessing as we go along our busy, harried day.  And its not just about the things. I could get my own chocolate filled Advent calendar or wreath anywhere. But the blessing is in the relationships with the people who I received them from, their thoughtfulness and the smile they bring to my life. I know – doesn’t that sound so “all about me”?  But sometimes it has to be to realize what you have.

So, each day, instead of just seeing the day, or complaining about the day, I think about what this day in December has brought to me… and I feel blessed.

What has been your blessing today?

Currently… Finishing Christmas Shopping

It’s three days before Christmas and I’m still finishing my shopping. Okay, well, to be a bit more honest, I’m really just starting.  And this time, it’s not my normal procrastination. Well, maybe a little bit.

As I mentioned last week, I’ve been in a decluttering mode.  So I’ve been piling up, donating, upcycling, recycling, throwing out clothes, books, address labels, cooking magazines, t-shirts, toys, old paperwork.  It’s a lot of work. You can understand why I don’t want to fill up those almost empty, uncluttered spaces again, can’t you?

Also, my purging has also revealed to me another thing: my kids have a lot of stuff.  The amount of laundry that I do a week is a big tell-tale sign of how much clothes they have.  And I can hardly think of stuff they “need.” Well, my son does need a new pair of shoes and the girls could use some tights.  But that’s about it on the “need” list. “Want?”  Eh, there’s a few things but aren’t there always?

So then, I have to wonder, as the good mom I inspire to be: what lesson am I teaching my kids by getting them more stuff they don’t need and hardly even know that they want to celebrate the birth of Jesus?  See, that could be confusing, confounding the message of the virgin birth and the greatest gift to the world.  How does a new pair of sports socks and a video game cartridge and a(nother) Barbie fit into that?

But then we put up our beautiful tree, with its sparkly lights and ornaments we’ve collected over the years. We sang Christmas songs at church and enjoyed our friends at our cookie exchange party.  And I can’t imagine my kids not waking up early early Christmas morning, reading the story of the birth of Jesus, and then not opening anything.  Not enjoying the anticipation of something new or the excitement of something picked out just for them.

Perhaps they will translate the message of birth into one of all things new, the promises yet unveiled, and a love unconditional.  Perhaps they will be oh so happy for a new case for their phone or a new box of Legos.  I guess it’s our job as their parents to make sure that they get the blessing of both.

In the meantime, I’m off to have a chat with Santa.

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Celebrate Birthdays with a Countdown

 

Four rounds of “Happy birthday,” not counting extended family and friends, gets to be a lot.  And as we know, kid birthday parties are no longer cake, balloons, and pin the tail on the donkey.  At minimum, there’s got to be a professionally decorated cake illustrating the birthday kid’s most current hobby, an amazing, life-changing experience for the gaggle of guests, a mountain of gifts, or for the more socially conscious, an admirable suggestion to donate the money that would’ve been spent on Barbies and Mario to a child-focused non-profit, and a professional photographer to document it all for posterity. Or at least for Facebook.  Happy birthday, kid.

So… it was too much for me. I’ll admit, I had to tap out of the birthday hoohah.  I was at a kid birthday party awhile ago and realized that with all the going’s on, the guests and the kid-host barely even interacted. My children have received birthday invites from kids in their extra-curricular activities that they could barely pick out of a little kid line-up.  And, then, I was stressing myself out buying a gift for a kid I didn’t even know.  I decided to scale back.

We didn’t do birthday parties last year. As the big day approached, each kid picked out something they wanted to do – whether it was have a few (a few!) friends over for pizza and cake or try out rock-climbing with the family – and that’s what we did. This year, my daughter suggested a countdown, like the Advent activities leading up to Christmas.  Why couldn’t we do that she asked?  And a new birthday activity was born.

Each week before my kids’ birthdays, I’ve filled eight decorated bags with small gifts and each day, let them pick one to open.  The gifts have included all kinds of things the kids would like, varying in price and “wow” - a pack of sidewalk chalk, a bottle of nail polish, a box of Legos, a basketball design inkpen, phone case, a watch.  The gifts have come from me and my husband, as well as from their siblings.  Half the excited is the surprise of finding out what’s in the bag.  And you know what? Unlike when they’ve got a mountain of gifts in front of them to open in front of all of their friends, in a frenzy to open the next gift, they get time to select their gift bag, open it and enjoy what’s inside.

On their actual birthday, there is one more gift, and of course, a cake (what’s a birthday without cake.)  It’s been a fun way to extend the birthday excitement, without making it over the top, uncontrollable.  For a week, the birthday kid is the center of attention and celebration.  Happy birthday!

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