Why Snowdays Are Not As Productive As You Hope

We have been snowbound for 6 days. And not, oh school is closed so we’re just going to go to the mall, snowbound. But our street was just plowed at midnight of Day 5 kind of snowbound. And we can’t even go out for a walk because there’s 2’ of snow outside kind of snowbound. So you would think that all to-do lists would be cleared by the time the snow melts. You’d think. Unless you are snowbound with your hubby and four children and a dog.

When the snow falls and its pretty clear everything is cancelled, the initial response is “ahh, no running around from here to there, imagine all the things I can get done in the house.”  You revisit the list – reading the library book that’s already overdue, staining that Pinterest-inspired cute table you found at a yard sale, finally clearing the 483 emails in your in-box, cleaning out your closets and putting away the summer clothes, starting (or finishing) the next great American novel… the list goes on. And by day 6 you would think – that list is cleared. You had 144 hours of not going nowhere.

But alas. As the snow melts, you are only on page 10 of reading the overdue book, on page 2 of writing the great novel, increased your inbox by 25 emails and pinned 72 more ideas to your Pinterest boards. How did this happen? I’ll tell you.

• You let the kids sleep in – great decision. But you so enjoyed the quiet, you actually sat down, looked at the snow and finished your coffee while it was hot. – 1 hour
• Since you usually give the kids a pop-tart and juicebox for breakfast, you decided to make french toast, sausage, potatoes, and eggs with all this un-rushed time. And eat it with them. – 2 hours
• While the kids went out in the snow, you got a few things done, but when they came back, you mopped the floor of melting snow, dried off the dog, and triaged hanging up wet coats, gloves, scarves, pants, and socks all over the house. – 1 hour
• The kids were hungry and cold when they came in so you cooked home-made chicken soup and hot chocolate. Again the mom guilt of actually fixing them hot food instead of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. – 1 hour
• With all this found time, surely, there’s time to catch up on How to Get Away with Murder. – 8 hours
• And you missed The Martian in the theatres. - 2.5 hours
• Hmmm… was Gone Girls the movie as good as the book? – 2.5 hours
• If you were lucky enough that your kids still like you enough (or need a big person to pull the sled) to ask you to come sledding with them, you went. – 3 hours
• Sledding is a lot more effort than your Zuumba class, so it warranted a nap. – 2 hours
• Folks who are home eat A LOT!  You are doing dishes 3 or 4 times a day. – 2 hours
• If your kids still want to hang out with you, you got wrangled into a game of charades or Monopoly or Scrabble or JustDance! – 2 hours
• You had to check on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram to see how everyone else was doing in the snow. And post your own pictures of your snow covered street, the pretty snow on the branches, and all the cookies you were baking. – 3 hours
• You were baking cookies. – 1 hour

Now add that all up. In most cases, multiply by 6. Add to it the loads of wet, cold laundry you have. And the re-inventorying grocery shopping you now have to do. And refinishing your floors. And rescheduling the doctor’s appointment, teacher conference, basketball game, and PTA meeting that you missed.  Renew your library book, continue to carry notes for your great novel (really do try to write at least 30 minutes a day), commit an hour to that closet, and keep the satin handy. You’ll eventually get those to-do items checked off. Just now during the snowstorm.

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Father's Day is for Dads... Can We Leave it That Way?

This weekend is Father’s Day. It’s for dad, daddy, pop-pop, papi, papa – fathers.  For many people, young and old, it’s a sad reminder of the dads who aren’t present in their life, for the myriad of reasons why, spanning from choice to illness to death to prison to deployment to even not knowing who dad is and many others.  And there’s a lot of moms out there trying to fill that space. But it’s not mom’s day – that was back in May, it was called Mother’s Day.

There seems to be a growing trend over the recent years to honor the single mom on Father’s Day. I think I’ve actually seen more ads for gifts and cards for mom than dads for this weekend. 

Single moms, no doubt, have quite a challenge in raising their children alone, for whatever reason they are alone. And this is where I note that some of my favorite people are or were single moms and I acknowledge all that they are doing for their children.  But they aren’t dads.  A dad is a male parental figure. Moms aren’t that. No matter if they are the one who brings home the bacon, changes the tire, cuts the grass, coaches basketball, as well as cooks dinner, plants the flowers, and sews dance costumes. (Yes, I know I am invoking strong gender roled tasks here.)  Regardless of all that, mom is the female parental figure. Give her the honor of a really hard working mom. Give mom extra flowers on Mother’s Day or even give her an extra day and let her celebrate Mother’s weekend.

Don’t let dads off the hook or reinforce the “my kid doesn’t need a dad” message by letting mom take the glory. Don’t make moms have to man-up by celebrating Father’s Day.  Don’t dismiss the memory of a father.  Don’t take away from the dads who are there and present in their kids life by making them share it with single moms.

To all the kids who are missing their dads this weekend and everyday, God bless you.

And to all the dads out there, hanging out with their kids this weekend - Happy Father’s Day.

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How many times do I have to repeat myself?

1440.

That’s at least the number of times I have said (yelled, called, screamed, hollered) “wake up” this school year. Not even counting weekends.

It’s the minimum number of times I have answered the question “huh?” with “get down here, eat breakfast – don’t forget your milk, and get out of here for school.”

It is the approximate combined total number of times that I have asked for lunchboxes that were under the bed, on the couch, by the front door, in the car – everywhere but in the kitchen and reminded folks to leave their lunchbox in the kitchen when they get home.

It is the least possible summation of times that I have said “get your stuff ready for tomorrow” and “didn’t you get your stuff ready last night?”

It is pretty close to the number of times I have signed “I gotta turn this in today or I won’t get to…” forms at 7 am, pulled out wrinkled dollars from the bottom of my purse for “I forgot to tell you I don’t have any lunch money” lunches, and scribbled checks for “oh, yeah this is due today” permission slips and registrations.

It is the number of times someone has said “have you seen my…” or “I can’t find my…” at 6, 7, and 8 am.

It is way below the number of times I have said “put up your phones” and “go to bed” repeatedly within a two-hour time span.

It is June. Four kids, 180 days of school (well, almost, but who’s counting). And if you’ve done the math and still don’t get to this number – hit “x 2” on our calculator because it’s not sufficient to say things once to each child.  I feel like a broken record. Except with a broken record, it’s the exact same thing every time. With a repetitive, worn-out mom, there is variability in volume, the gritting of teeth, the caffeination level and the litany of “how many times do I have to say…?”

Apparently that number is somewhere around 1440.

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Throw The Kids to the Wolves - Independence & Parenting

This is what comes through my ears when other parents go on about the wide latitude they allow their children and the relatively narrow one that I give mine. Sleepovers? Riding public transportation? Staying out until late late past midnight? Going to parties where no-one’s sure the host’s parents are home?  Might as well just set them free in the wild lands and roaming plains with the coyotes and rattlesnakes.

As parents, we all have our limits of what we think is age appropriate for our children and what we want them to experience and be exposed to. That’s one of the fundamental rights of being a parent – you get to make choices for another person. For eighteen years, you are the legislative, judicial, and executive decision maker.

But, I guess it’s human nature to try to change other people’s mind to the way you’re thinking. I mean, there’s how many college majors and professions based primarily on the ability to do this successfully?

If you want your kid to spend the night at other people’s houses from the time they can find their way to the bathroom, go right on ahead.  Your choice. It’s just not mine.  They need to what – learn how to sleep somewhere else? Brush their teeth without being told? Be independent? What other reasons are stuffed into sleeping bags each weekend? In the grand scheme of life, I figure they’ll get this when it’s time. For now, they sleep in the bed in this house. For variety, they can even camp out in their sibling’s room if they want.

Since my oldest entered high school, folks have been trying to get me to put her on the public bus. Admittedly, this would be more convenient for me, as I make my daily trek to get her from sports practice. But, for right now, its not so bad and its part of my duty as a parent – make sure my kid gets home safely.  We’ve talked about figuring out the bus route for that day when I just can’t make it and we’ve run out of plan B and C, so I’m not against the bus thing. It just hasn’t become a necessity, yet.

But again – the parental reasons why – she needs to be street-smart, she need to be independent, she needs to know the bus system.  Isn’t that a parent’s choice of what they want for their kid?  As a teen-ager, I learned to catch the bus because that’s how I got to and from my job, when my parents weren’t home. And my kids have ridden the Metro, subways, buses, trains, cabs, and ferries in a bunch of different cities. I get it, I’m not anti-public transportation.  I just don’t think this means I need to throw my 9-year old on the Metro and say “find your way home” to get her ready for the world, even if there are kids younger doing the same in cities all across the country.  I do draw the line at putting my kid in a cab by herself, though. Nope, not gonna happen. You can give me a list of reasons why, stats about safe driving, etc. etc. Nope.

And parties without parents in the house? Whatever.

All this chit-chat about all the freedoms kids should enjoy? It’s like letting a little rabbit free to roam across the plains. I can see the wolf hiding behind the cactus.

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How to Run a Marathon in A Mile/Day

We’re on Day 9 of the Children’s Miracle Network #MiracleMarathon to raise money for children’s hospitals across the country - a third of the way done!

Keep track of your work - great motivation & reminder of what you can do!

The concept is simple: complete a mile/day over 27 days for a full marathon, plus one extra mile for the kids. It’s perfect for people like me who can’t ever imagine running a full marathon all at once. I’ve posted before about my marathon/month goal, but this is slightly different in that it’s a commitment for everyday. Everyday you are reminded of the blessings of either never having a child in an emergency room or intensive care or with a terminal illness, or the blessing of the availability of such medical resources for a child who needs them.

But, as the people that we are, the physical, logistical questions arise. You know, the ones that keep us off an exercise routine anyway.  The number one being: I’m busy, when am I going to have time to run/walk/skip a mile per day?

Let’s start with the time element. On a good day, in relatively good health, at an almost brisk pace, it takes about 15-20 minutes to walk a mile.  Give or take a few minutes due to one’s health, affinity for and habit of exercise.  But let’s say, for sake of discussion, 30 minutes. That may or may not include putting on your shoes and drinking a bottle of water when you’re done. Now, where do we find 30 minutes a day?  Here’s nine ideas.

• Before, between, after the school buses – If you are a parent, school buses, carpools, or walking brigades probably dominate your mornings; and depending on the age of your children, your involvement in the morning madness of getting ready for school is little or very much needed.  Look at your morning schedule. Can you go out and walk around the neighborhood before they wake up, in between one school departure and the next? Or after the last school bus pulls off – you keep on running and get your mile in before coming back to start your day. 

• Find 30 minutes before your day starts.  No kids or they don’t need you to get ready for school?  Wake up 30 minutes earlier or skip the morning email read and get it in in the morning.

• While waiting. Parents do a lot of waiting. Kids’ practices, early warm-up before a game, tutoring, music lessons. I imagine non-parents wait around, too. Maybe for a spouse, a friend, your mom at her doctor’s appointment.  What are you doing while waiting?  Instead of fidgeting with that new phone app, lace up and go for a walk. Especially now that its getting into fall, you could go for a good paced walk and not really even break a sweat if you’ve got somewhere else to go.  I even noticed at an airport this summer, mileage and direction signs for a walking path around the airport (I’m not sure what you’re supposed to do with your bags, though.)

• While running errands.  How often do you get into your car and drive across the street or down the block to pick up lunch or a prescription or for a cup of coffee? I’m guilty, too.  Walk.

• The old park far from the building trick. You’ve heard it a million times before and I’m going to repeat it. The other day I had three separate meetings and I parked far in the lot each time.  Counting the six lengths to and from the building, plus two more for when I realized as I got to my car that I had to go to the bathroom, so I walked back to the building, then back to my car, that has to be at least a good half-mile right there. 

• Plan for it. Like you do a dentist or gyn appointment (though you don’t want to do either everyday), write it in your planner. Block off 30 minutes to get in your exercise.

• Commit to other people.  During my kids’ swim practice this summer, I would go running.  I also noticed a few other mothers who were also using this time for walking or running around the neighborhood. Next thing you know, we were heading out together while the kids were in the pool, and saying to each other “yes, I am running tomorrow.”  There are many days I may have sat poolside drinking coffee if I hadn’t made that commitment.

• Participate in children’s athletic events. If you know the sport – get in there and coach or help out with workouts. I coach my daughter’s Girls on The Run team – perfect for making sure I get in my run.  Don’t worry if you know nothing about your kid’s sport.  Many organizations offer training for adults who want to help out, and, if you don’t want to do that, there’s always something you can do even if you don’t have clue about the actually sport. For my kids’ swim meets, parent volunteers serve as timers. You stand at the edge of the pool and push the stopwatch when the kid starts and stops. Then you walk to the other side of the pool for a different length race. I usually volunteer as the person who wrangles all the swimmers for their race.  Exercise? Consider walking back and forth across a pool for three hours.

• No kids or no desire to help out with the local ice hockey team? Find your own sport. Whether zuumba, tennis, a running club, swimming lessons. Find something that you enjoy for yourself. Not only will you get in your exercise, but you will require yourself to separate from work, housework, email, and texts and concentrate on you.  And go ahead – count it for your mile. Last week, I clocked in almost a mile during tennis lessons.

Share other ideas in the comments below.  Enjoy your mile!

Always be ready to squeeze in a mile.

My hospital of choice for the #MiracleMarathon is Children’s Hospital in DC. You can make a donation on my fundraising page.  Thank you in advance!

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Summer Camp Should Be Running, Swimming & Crafts Not Movie Tickets

One of the fun things about summer - the $1 movie.  Granted, it's at 10 am, so there's no sleeping in and still a rush to get there on time, but to get me and my four into the movie for $5? It's a pretty good compromise.  So that's what we did today, went to go see Despicable Me 2.

The theatre was full of summer campers - rows and rows of little kids in matching tee-shirts.  And when I say "little" kids, I do mean little - they were like 2-3 years old.  Aside from the camp leaders who spent half the movie walking through the aisles distributing popcorn and juice and "whispering" loudly to the children, totally oblivious to the rest of us trying to get our $1 worth, as a parent, I was wondering if the kids' parents really approved of their kids spending their camp time sitting in a movie theatre.  Time when they could be getting some sun, playing with the other campers, or even learning their alphabet.

I know, I know - you're thinking "but you were there with your kids!" and it sounds a bit hypocritical to say that summer camps shouldn't take kids to the movies. But in my defense, here are my points:
1 - They are MY kids. If I want them to spend their summer morning at the movies, that's the choice I get to make.

2 - If/when I send my kids to camp, I pay for them to have a better, more active experience than I would give them at home. The camp checks are written so kids can run, jump, swim, hit balls, ride horses, build popsicle stick picture frames, and eat messy peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. We can plop them down in front of a screen for free at home - or for our own $1.

I've actually been pretty annoyed when one of my kids came home from camp and reported that their activities included taking a "field trip" to the nearby fast food establishment for lunch.  Really? If you're going to put my kid on a bus, then do something educational or at least entertainingly worthwhile. Take them to the park or to the zoo. Or even a field trip to the library for reading time or a puppet show.  Even when they've done after-school activities and come back to tell me that they played on the computer with their friends, I feel that's a waste. One thing my kids (and most kids) don't need is more time to goof off playing games on the computer.  When I send my kids to an activity, I expect them to get more out of it then that time spent with me at my direction.  Yes, when I pay for an activity, I expect the service providers to be, for those few hours, a better parent than I am. That's money well spent.

What do you think? Does it matter to you what your kids are doing in summer camp?

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New Party Rule - Collect All Phones

For various reasons, I've stayed in a hotel for three weekends in the past month.  And each weekend, there have been teen-oriented celebrations - proms, pre-prom parties, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, sweet 16s. I've been amazed at the amount of parties a kid has and the amount of money spent on them!   Seeing these kids come and go into their parties, I noticed a trend and realized there needs to be a new party rule: "Enter and drop your phone in the basket, collect it on your way home."

If you've read my previous posts, you know I've been dragged into this trend that kids "need" a phone.  Although I've given in to them having a phone, I don't approve of my kids playing on their phones at the dinner table, prefer for them to interact with the people in front of them, and do try to teach them when it's appropriate to ignore the world around them and play video games (not in church.)  Now that it seems inevitable that children will soon be issued their phone number along with their social security number, we should at least teach them how to still be social - with real people, not just with social media.

The teen parties at the hotel were filled with DJs, live bands, food stations, beverage bars, cocktail bars (presumably for the parents), games - everything you could pack into a ballroom celebration.  But yet, over on the steps, scattered across the floor away from the party room, were teens and pre-teens, by themselves or maybe in pairs, tapping on their phones and charging their gadgets.  They were missing all the real-life fun for what? Texting "hi, what r u doing?" to another friend, ignoring another real-life event? Some were taking selfies. Standing in an empty hotel hallway. Couldn't you go into the party just for a more interesting background, at least?


It's not just the parties. Last week, we were at the beach.  Next to us, a line of teens sat with their backs to the water, all tapping on their phones. Every now and then, one of them would look up, glance around, and then go back to tapping. Oh, and of course, take a selfie, with the water in the background.

For the sake of being active on social media, our kids are losing the ability to actually be social.

Flip through education articles and you'll see there's plenty of discussions about how to teach kids to play, be nice to each other, negotiate with each other - part of what's referred to as social and emotional learning. It's the stuff you learn naturally when you actually interact with people rather than typing them a message or sending them a picture of yourself. Now we need adult-led lessons to learn what used to be developed on the kickball field.  Surely, I'm not the only one bothered by this regression in development.

But since the phones don't seem to be going away, I'm off to find a pretty basket to collect phones when my kids' friends come over. You know, so that they can actually talk to each other or some old-fashioned thing like that.

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My Child's First Resignation Letter

Again, my children signed up for a bunch of activities, stuff that they really really wanted to do and promised to do without whining or dragging their feet when time to go to practice/rehearsal.  And again, mid-way through after realizing that practice is every week and not always so fun, they are whining and dragging their feet. But for the most part, they get there. You know, because I paid for it and they have to commit to a thing and sometimes activities are boring, life can't be a merry-go-round of excitement all the time, etc., etc.

Which leaves me to wonder - what am I doing to myself? Why not just let them quit and then I can stay home, save some gas, and finish reading this book I've been carrying around with me forever?  Is teaching them the concept of commitment really worth my sanity?  Well, the last time my daughter gave me the list of excuses - so much homework, a stomach ache, looks like rain - I decided that there's a lesson to be learned in quitting, too.

I let me daughter quit one of her after-school activities with two conditions.

1. She owed me half of the fees that I had paid. She had birthday money, snow shoveling money, allowance and could pay me back in installments.  No point in me taking a financial loss when she changed her mind. 
2. She had to write a letter of resignation. Yes, like the kind when you leave a job.  I wanted her to realize that you can't just walk out on an activity and leave a group who is depending on you to show up. Whether a choir, a sports team, the school play, or game of jump rope - folks are counting on you to be there and take your role and if you're going to quit on them, you at least let them know you're leaving and offer an explanation.

The letter is done, we emailed it to the appropriate people and they have acknowledged that they received it.  We are free from racing across town one evening of the week, our calendar has a few more blank spaces on it, and I've read a few more pages in my book. As for my financial recovery?  Still waiting.

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Celebrate Birthdays with a Countdown

 

Four rounds of “Happy birthday,” not counting extended family and friends, gets to be a lot.  And as we know, kid birthday parties are no longer cake, balloons, and pin the tail on the donkey.  At minimum, there’s got to be a professionally decorated cake illustrating the birthday kid’s most current hobby, an amazing, life-changing experience for the gaggle of guests, a mountain of gifts, or for the more socially conscious, an admirable suggestion to donate the money that would’ve been spent on Barbies and Mario to a child-focused non-profit, and a professional photographer to document it all for posterity. Or at least for Facebook.  Happy birthday, kid.

So… it was too much for me. I’ll admit, I had to tap out of the birthday hoohah.  I was at a kid birthday party awhile ago and realized that with all the going’s on, the guests and the kid-host barely even interacted. My children have received birthday invites from kids in their extra-curricular activities that they could barely pick out of a little kid line-up.  And, then, I was stressing myself out buying a gift for a kid I didn’t even know.  I decided to scale back.

We didn’t do birthday parties last year. As the big day approached, each kid picked out something they wanted to do – whether it was have a few (a few!) friends over for pizza and cake or try out rock-climbing with the family – and that’s what we did. This year, my daughter suggested a countdown, like the Advent activities leading up to Christmas.  Why couldn’t we do that she asked?  And a new birthday activity was born.

Each week before my kids’ birthdays, I’ve filled eight decorated bags with small gifts and each day, let them pick one to open.  The gifts have included all kinds of things the kids would like, varying in price and “wow” - a pack of sidewalk chalk, a bottle of nail polish, a box of Legos, a basketball design inkpen, phone case, a watch.  The gifts have come from me and my husband, as well as from their siblings.  Half the excited is the surprise of finding out what’s in the bag.  And you know what? Unlike when they’ve got a mountain of gifts in front of them to open in front of all of their friends, in a frenzy to open the next gift, they get time to select their gift bag, open it and enjoy what’s inside.

On their actual birthday, there is one more gift, and of course, a cake (what’s a birthday without cake.)  It’s been a fun way to extend the birthday excitement, without making it over the top, uncontrollable.  For a week, the birthday kid is the center of attention and celebration.  Happy birthday!

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Our #1 Responsibility: Protect our Children

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I’m actually scared to turn on the news or open my Washington Post.

I’m scared that there is going to be a report that the “body” of young Relisha Rudd has been found. Not the “person” or the “child,” but the “body.”

Perhaps if you don’t live in the DC-Metro area, you haven’t heard of this case, I’m not sure how wide-spread it is.  But in late February, the mother let her 8-year old daughter leave the homeless shelter with a janitor that had been giving her child gifts.  She was finally reported missing almost a month later, after the janitor’s wife had been found shot dead in an area hotel.

* Ding * Ding * Ding *

When a grown-man who is not related to you (or even related to you) nor is even really your own friend offers your child, your daughter, gifts – that’s a big red flag and warning bells signaling “danger!”  A little too much, a little too scary-stranger? Maybe. But I don’t think so.  We’ve heard of the mother-bear instinct, we’ve seen it with dogs and their puppies. You get to close and they will bite off your hand. Because that is supposed to be a mother’s natural instinct – protect your child.  Relisha’s mother didn’t do that.  She let this man continue to give her child things and then one day, she handed her baby over to this man to take away with him.  And when he didn’t bring her back the next day or the day after that or the day after that, she didn’t tell anybody.

So, in my CSI/SVU watching mind, that tells me she knew that she was wrong in giving this man her daughter or she didn’t expect him to bring her back because of some deal they struck. My maternal brain cells are trying to block thinking about what a mother would, could, has traded for her child. How do you take the flesh and blood from your own body and hand it over to someone else? What could be worth that trade?

So, yes, without judge nor jury, I am single-mindedly determining the mom GUILTY.  There’s probably some technical, legal terms, but bottom line she is GUILTY of not protecting her child.

How and when did the police get involved?  When the girl didn’t show up to school for an accumulated 30 days, social welfare was notified and some days later the police were called in.  And this is where more finger pointing occurs.  The mom lied to everybody about where her daughter was and why and with whom, but we’ve already determined she’s guilty. Who else dropped the ball?  Hindsight is 20/20 as they say, but reading over the trail of events over this girl’s lifetime in a recent Post article, it seems that her life was basically a game of Hot Potato. It was thrown around, dropped, and kicked to the next person her entire life.

I don’t live in DC and I don’t vote in DC. But if I did, I’d want to know what a new Mayor will do to better protect the children of that city.  Maybe when kids are found abused and in unhealthy living conditions, the city can do more than write a report. Maybe schools can check up on a kid before they’ve missed a month of school. Maybe the folks at the homeless shelter could provide better security for their residents or screen their employees better.  Maybe some more folks could act like they care about a little, defenseless brown girl.

Because our primary responsibility, duty, requirement as mothers, fathers, parents, members of a society - is to protect our children.  They're depending on us for their life.

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